Take Me From the Hospital Bed
by Emberki
Summary: Frank's life is messed up, and so that he can get better he has to make some drastic changes to it. These changes come with sacrifices and rewards - and one reward comes in the form of the new inpatient Gerard. Frank/Gerard Frerard - Written by Emily.
1. Chapter 1

**This fic is dedicated to Eleanor Chalmers for all the help she's given me on this fic due to the horrible time she spent in establishments like this. Thanks, Ellii. xox**

* * *

><p>"Frank, this is the third time in three weeks that you've been in this hospital for attempted suicide," the Doctor said to me, looking at me with a worried expression on his face. Doctor Jackson was my favourite doctor, and every time I had been put into this place I had refused to talk to any other doctor unless it was him. He didn't talk to me like I was an ill child – he talked to me like I was an adult conscious of my own decisions; we had a mutual respect for one another.<p>

"I know," I replied quietly, stroking the skin around the cannula in my left hand – it was still kind of uncomfortable, even though I was used to it by now.

"To begin with, we had those deep lacerations on your wrist that-"

"That one was an accident!" I interjected. Sure, I was thinking about how I _could_ kill myself while I was cutting, but it wasn't _my_ fault the razor was too sharp and I applied too much pressure.

"Let me finish please, Frank," Doctor Jackson said quietly. "Those cuts left you bleeding to death in your bathroom." I winced at the memory. "Then we had the time you tried to drown yourself. You're lucky your mum knew how to resuscitate you!"

"Yeah… I was _lucky_," I scoffed in a sarcastic tone.

"Frank, this is important – stop interrupting me!" His tone was becoming increasingly impatient now, so I knew I should shut up. "And now we've had your overdose. That was an impressive amount of pills that you managed to get hold of Frank, some of which are only available on prescription – how did you come into possession of those?"

"They were my mum's… they're for her back pain," I replied.

"Ah, okay then – I understand. I also understand that Doctor Jones has already been through your blood test results." I grimaced. Doctor Jones was the most patronising fucker that I had ever met. "Don't look like that, Frankie. You know, we're all worried about you, and she is too! It's not just me that cares. _Technically_ she is your family doctor, not me."

"Yes, but I would rather **die **than talk to her." I knew that I was being overdramatic, but it made Doctor Jackson laugh when I groaned.

"Anyway, unfortunately we are going to have to put you under section 136 of the mental health act for assessment," he said, a more serious tone to his voice.

"What does that even mean?" I asked, throwing my hands in the air. "I'm not a doctor, you know. You need to simplify these things for me."

"It means that we're going to assess you and decide what procedures we're going to have to take. It is most likely that you will be put into an inpatient hospital for treatment, but it depends on how your assessment goes and if anywhere nearby has a free bed."

"You can't make me go somewhere like that!" I yelled.

"Oh yes we can, Frank. If we are forced to section you, we will - but you have a choice. Anyway, Doctor Jones is going to take you back to the ward and your mother will be here soon. Nice job choosing the one day that she left you alone and was in a different state, Frank. It's not like she's saved your life twice already or anything." The sarcasm in his voice was highly evident; it managed to make me crack a smile.

**_._**

I ignored all of Doctor Jones's 'friendly' questions all the way back to the ward until she realised that there was no way I was going to utter one single word to her. I received a lot of stares from people I knew when we passed the emergency room, my mum's friends, neighbours – anyone that knew me. _"They know you're a fucking psycho," _the little voice inside my head whispered.

"Shut up," I mumbled, crossing my arms across my chest as I walked and yelping when I knocked my cannula a little.

"Excuse me, Frank?" Doctor Jones said, raising one eyebrow at me.

"Not you. The voice in my head," I replied shortly, narrowing my eyes at her. She hummed softly and smiled at me sympathetically. I hated her so much. "When are you going to take this _thing _out of me?"

"Well, Doctor Jackson will probably remove it when he comes on his rounds later one," she replied, smiling at me sympathetically; I scowled in her general direction. "How are you feeling, Frank?" she asked, holding a door open for me. We were mere seconds away from the children's ward now.

"I feel like I should be dead, to be honest. And why do I have to be on the children's ward? All the kids there are in for _real_ problems – I don't want to be explaining to them that I'm in for suicide… it makes me feel stupid."

"Well perhaps you should have thought about that before you attempted it," she said in a breezy manner. My mouth fell open as she pushed through the door to my ward. I closed it immediately when I saw my mother sitting in a chair next to my bed. Her eyes were red and bloodshot.

"Oh, Frankie," she started, tears welling up in her eyes. "Are you okay baby?" She looked tired and weary, and I immediately regretted my decisions.

"Yeah, mum. I'm fine," I said weakly, flopping down onto my hospital bed.

"Frankie, you're barely 16 and you're throwing away your life! You're a smart kid – this is going to go straight into your medical files and all of your future employers will be able see this. What are they going to think? What are they going to think when they see all those ugly scars on your wrist? Do _you _not think about your future, Frankie? Do I have to do it all?" She had started crying now; just stray tears making their way slowly down her face. It broke my heart to see my mother cry, but I couldn't do anything about it now – the damage was already done.

"Yes, mum, and I'm going to get better this time, okay? I promise. I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you… again."

"Then why do you do it?" She asked, reaching for my left hand, then changing course and clutching my right hand instead.

"_Because I'm unhappy," _I whispered.

**.**

My stream of thought was interrupted as Doctor Jackson entered the room with Nurse Waldron in close pursuit, smiling his usual bright and cheerful smile – it was as if it was permanently fixed to his face.

"Good morning, Mrs Iero," he said, grinning in her direction. "I always hate to see such lovely women in this ward."

"Oh, hello, Doctor Jackson," my mother replied, offering her hand for him to shake – he took it. I held out my hand and he rolled his eyes. Nurse Waldron started to take the cannula out of my hand as Doctor Jackson began to debrief my mother.

"I was discussing with Frank earlier about what's going to happen to him when he leaves this hospital." Doctor Jackson began to explain the mental health act business to my mother, and while he did, I zoned out, tracing over the scars on my wrists and admiring their different shapes and colours. I knew it was sick to be proud of injuries you caused yourself, but I didn't care. My scars were beautiful to me – and I had no intention of letting them fade. I didn't care what anybody thought of them, I was proud – they showed just how much I was capable of. I knew the cause of every individual scar and together they painted a picture of how miserable my life was.

"But, or course, you're going to go voluntarily - right, Frank?" My mum said, looking at me expectantly. I realised that I had missed something important.

"I'm sorry, what?" I began, blinking a few times and shaking my head as if to clear it. "I missed everything you said." Doctor Jackson shook his head slowly.

"We were talking about you either becoming an inpatient somewhere voluntarily, or whether we have to section you."

"No fucking way!" I exclaimed.

"Frank, there are other children in here that are younger than you. Don't use such awful language," my mother hissed at me.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "But I'm not going into a place like that voluntarily. Are you completely insane?"

"If you go in voluntarily, you will be given leave, be allowed out on day trips, provided the nursing staff agree it's safe, and if you get better in a shorter amount of time than expected, you will be released. If you are sectioned, you do not leave the premises whatsoever and you have no choice in when you are released… in fact, if you are admitted to one of the two local inpatient facilities, I will be part of the team that assesses whether you are well enough to be discharged – it's your choice."

"Fine, I'll go on my one decision if it makes it easier for me. This is still fucking ridiculous though! I don't need to be an inpatient!" I complained, lying back in my bed and staring at the ceiling.

"Well, judging by your behaviour over the last couple of months, you do. We're going to making some enquiries today about units in the area that would be willing to take you, so we should know by tomorrow evening at the latest. Therefore you will be required to stay overnight again so that we can a) monitor your condition and b) keep you under observation for destructive behaviour. If you are given a place tomorrow, your mother will have to go to your home and pack your belongings, but you will probably be expected to move in immediately as you are a high priority case. And on that note, Mrs Iero, I'll be off – I have the rest of my rounds to complete. Thank you so much for your time and I'll see you tomorrow, Frank." He shook my mother's hand once more and nodded at me briefly. I nodded back because, to be honest, Doctor Jackson had my utmost respect.

**.**

"We need to talk about this, Frankie," my mum said in a soft tone. I sighed – I'd had little enough sleep the night before and I was not in the mood for talking. I had talked to no less than five different doctors and nurses already, informing them as to what I had taken, when I had taken it and, of course, _why_ I had taken it.

"No… we really don't," I replied curtly, fumbling around in the bag my mum had brought to the hospital with my clothes in for my iPod.

"We do, Frank. Do you ever think about what you're doing to me?" she asked, tearing up again. I found my iPod eventually and sat back on my bed, unknotting the headphones.

"You know what, mum – not everything is about you all the time. I know what I'm doing and _obviously _I feel bad about it, but you need to stop making me feel so guilty all the time. I'm sick of your sad, little side-glances at me and the constant nagging to get better. It doesn't help."

"Well maybe I just want you to get better," my mother said, her tone becoming colder.

"Maybe I don't want to get better."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come _on_, mum!" I yelled, making some of the kids in the ward jump. "If I wanted to get better and live I wouldn't be here right now, would I. I genuinely don't care anymore. I give up! I'm sick of all this trying, it just tires me out. Do you ever think about what _I_ have to go through every day? The immense pain I suffer, the heart breaks, the _voices in my head?_ Everything would be better if I just ceased to exist right now. But obviously you don't understand anything about me."

"Is everything okay, Mrs Iero?" Doctor Jones said in her annoying, professional voice – apparently my ranting and raving had caused her to come and investigate what the problem was in the ward.

"Yes, Doctor Jones," my mother said, trying to hide the slight shaky edge to her voice. "I was just leaving to go home and call Frank's grandma and inform her of the situation." I felt an icy cold pang of pain in my heart - if there was one thing I couldn't stand, it was hurting my grandma. "Do you want me to come back later and spend the night here with you, Frank?"

"No," I said bluntly, putting my headphones in and scrolling through my list of albums, looking for some music that would fit the mood as my mother picked up her bag and left quickly.

"Are you okay, Frank?" Doctor Jones asked, staring at me intently. I rolled my eyes at her.

"You can fuck off too," I mumbled before pressing play and letting the growls of Slipknot drown out the background noise of all the other kids in the hospital ward as I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

"Welcome to Orchard House, Frank," the nurse said in a light and breezy tone – I decided she reminded me far too much of Doctor Jones and I took an immediate dislike to her. "You can call me Molly, and this is going to be your new home for the next two weeks or however long it takes for you to get better. Now, you have been brought here because you have attempted suicide three times in the past month, is that correct?" I nodded slowly. "Because of that, we have decided that being at home could possibly pose a threat to your health. Whilst you're here, Frank, you will have access to people who you can talk to and trust, and they will be helping you to get better. However, we do have a set of rules. The main rule is that under no circumstances should you bring any form of sharp object into the house in order to keep you safe and to keep the other patients safe too; we expect you to have the utmost respect for the staff here, and obviously we will respect you in return; this goes without saying, but no physical or verbal abuse is to be inflicted on staff or patients; if you have a phone, it cannot have internet or a camera function – if not, we have a few phones that you could put your SIM card in; also, regarding your phone, you will only be allowed to use it between certain times of the day, but we will talk you through that later when we give you a time table of what happens here, and finally there should be no physical contact between you and other people. Did you understand all of that, Frank?"

"Mmhmm," I mumbled, non-committedly. I had been zoning in and out of her speech, judging the room and forming my first impression of the place on it. The four walls were painted four different colours – red, blue, green and yellow – and were decorated with multiple '_happy_' pictures and slogans to brighten up the place. It was sickeningly childish. The chairs were like that of in the reception area at my school, but there were a few bean bags in the corners that looked old and dishevelled. I noticed that the sign that hung on the door when we were shown in had read _Visiting Room_ but it was clear that I was not merely visiting this place.

.

"Well I've finished talking now and it's time for you to have a go," she said, clicking her pen and balancing her clipboard on her knee. '_Jesus Christ, I'm not a child' _I thought, but I substituted it for a small glare in her direction. "I have some quick questions for you. Do you smoke?"

"Nope," I replied, crossing my arms across my chest.

"Okay… do you do drugs?"

"No."

"Do you drink?"

"Every day," I replied, a sarcastic smile playing on my lips; my mum shot me a death glare. "Not alcohol though."

"Good. Do you have any dietary requirements?" I looked at my mum expectantly – she sighed.

"He's vegetarian, and he's not allergic to anything that we know of," she replied, the smile on her face very strained.

"Oh, I'm vegetarian too!" she exclaimed, smiling at me with all of her teeth – it was actually quite horrifying. "What would you like to get out of being here, Frank?"

"Well," I began, pausing to collect my thoughts. "I suppose I just want to get better. I'd like to stop self-harming and I would like to stop being so sad and suicidal all of the time. I doubt you'll fix me that much though."

"Well, you'll find that we like a challenge here, Frank," she replied. "Finally, before we take you to your room and give you a tour, do you have anything on you that you could possibly harm yourself with?" I checked all of the pockets in my jeans and hoody and found them all to be empty. I shook my head in response to her question.

"Excellent – now, I'm going to take you to your room and introduce you to Chloe, who will be in charge of your care and will conduct one-to-one sessions with you while you're here. Do you want to come around with is, Mrs Iero?" she asked, turning to my mother.

"Oh, I don't mind. It depends weather Frank needs me," my mum replied, looking at me with a shaky smile. I knew she didn't like the idea of me being here, but I also knew that it was necessary.

"I'm 16, mum – I can do this on my own," I replied, standing up and putting my hands in my pockets, denying her eye contact.

.

After my mum left, I was taken through the lengthy corridors towards what would be my room. To be quite honest, I couldn't complain about it. There were two single beds against opposite walls of the room (one was next to a window though) with 2 wardrobes at the foot of each; there was also a chest of draws adjacent to the head of the bed. The room was almost symmetrical and it gave me the appearance that no one else resided in this room.

"Am I going to be sharing with anyone?" I asked, throwing my bag onto the bed closest to the window and hoping it had not already been claimed.

"No, not at the moment," Molly said, sitting down on the bed opposite and placing one of her ankles neatly behind the other. "But we've had two different potential patients be sectioned already today, and so one of them will most definitely be sent here. It's likely that we will get the male rather than the female because it would be easier to accommodate for him that for the girl. Do you have a problem with sharing rooms with people?" she asked, taking out her notebook from her jacket pocket again.

"No, it's fine. Maybe the company will be nice."

"Good," she purred, writing something down. "Now, I'm going to need to check your belongings to make sure you haven't brought anything harmful into the house." I sighed and allowed her to search through my bag. My mum had packed it, so I had no idea what was even contained within it, and evidently she had packed all of my favourite clothes – I smiled to myself. I wondered who would be sharing a room with me, weather it would be a nice guy or a jerk. Would we have similar problems? Maybe we would have other things in common and we would get along well? Or maybe not… "You're clear," Molly said, breaking me away from my train of thought abruptly. "I'll leave you to unpack, and Chloe will be down to see you soon and take you through our daily routine, Frank. I will see you later." She turned on her heels and strode briskly and confidently out of the room.

.

I began hanging my clothes up on the chunky, metal coat hangers in the wardrobe. They had no sharp corners, the hole wasn't big enough to fit a head in for hanging purposes and there was no way I could break it or disfigure it – it was as if it had been designed specifically to cause no harm whatsoever. After having emptied my bag, I kicked off my shoes and lay down on the bed… _my_ bed. It was reasonably comfortable, even though there was only one pillow available.

.

I heard the sound of a set of keys clinking together coming down the corridor and I sat up on the bed. A woman with a friendly face peered around the corner and smiled at me – I smiled back shyly. She was reasonably pretty, but a little plain. She seemed to me to be about 5' 7" and had dark brown hair that was tied up in a bun. Hey eyes were the same shade of brown as her hair and they were warm and loving – far more interesting than the hazy grey gaze of Molly.

"Frank Iero?" she asked tentatively, standing in the doorway. I nodded. "Good, that must mean I'm in the right room. Well I'm Chloe, and I am going to be in charge of you while you're here. I take it Molly went over the main details with you when you arrived?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"Good." It seemed like this was the only word that anyone in the nursing profession knew. She sat down on the bed in the same spot that Molly had sat in a few minute beforehand. "The first thing that I need to tell you is that you're on 15 minute observation – this means that a member of staff will come and check to see if you're okay every 15 minutes… usually it will be me. I'm also here to go over your time table with you. So, we'll go over the basics first: breakfast is served at 7am every day; at 11am you will have a break time, where you'll be provided with drinks and a snack; lunch time is always 12:30pm and your break time in the afternoon is at 3pm. At 3:30pm every day you will have relaxation therapy – do you know what that is?" she asked, finally pausing to take a breath.

"Nope - I don't know about anything like that," I answered, pulling my legs up onto the bed and getting comfortable.

"It's where you sit in a room with the other patients and at least one nurse – we have chairs and beanbags in there - and we have a CD to play that will hopefully help to relax you. Some people find that it helps, but others don't – you'll have to make a judgement on that yourself when you have a go. There are other activities on your timetable, but they only happen once a week: there's a unit meeting on Mondays that 11:30am – that's where we look at all of your requests and see if they're suitable and possible; on a Tuesday at 11:30 you will have a protective behaviours session, but that's a little hard to explain – we'll cross that bridge when we get to it; art therapy is every Thursday at 10am which, again, we'll explain when you have your first session and finally on Wednesday's between 9am and 2pm we conduct out ward rounds. Your time will be at 10am. It is where we sit with your parents and all the other nurses, teachers, doctors, social workers and therapists involved in your care and we discuss how your week was and plan the next week. Do you understand everything that I've said so far?"

"Yeah… It's just a lot to take in, I guess," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"I know it is, but you'll get a copy of your timetable to look at in your own time later. Now we can tackle the subject of school. We were sent your school records with your files this morning, and you sound like a really bright kid. We have a school programme here, but you will only have school at 10am on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays and at 2pm on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. So that's the bulk of the day sorted – the evenings are a lot easier." She chuckled to herself and I smiled in response. "Dinner is 5pm and you are allowed to use your phones between 5:30pm and 10pm. Lights out is at 11, but the nightlight on the ceiling will stay on so that we can check on you, but don't worry – it's really dim so it shouldn't disturb your sleep. So it's Thursday and it's nearly 3pm, so all of the other patients will be going on a break soon, so this will be a great chance for you to meet them. Have you got any questions?"

"How many other patients are there here?" I asked.

"10 - But it will soon to be 11 when the new boy moves in. There are 3 other boys and 7 girls here… so you're slightly outnumbered." I smiled, showing my teeth.

"What sort of problems do the people have?"

"I'm not allowed to disclose that kind of information to you, and the other patients are not meant to discuss that with you either so that you don't get encouraged, triggered and you don't pick up any kind of behaviour from the others. That goes for you too: don't discuss why you're here with the others. Do you want to ask anything else?" I shook my head, my fringe flopping into my eyes. "Ok then Frank, it was nice to meet you. You will be having your first relaxation therapy after lunch – we're trying and get you into a routine as quick as possible. Somebody will come by in about 10 minutes to show you were the lounge is. I'll see you later, Frank." She flashed me a quick smile and walked out of the room. I lay back down on my bed and waited for someone else to come through the door.


	3. Chapter 3

I was taken into a spacious room by Molly, who motioned for me to take a seat on one of the many beanbags and chairs situated in the room. I noticed that in one corner there was a bookshelf containing a plethora of books, none of which I had heard of, and in the another corner there was pool table that looked a little over used – it didn't seem to match the pristine conditions of the rest of the items in the room. The TV on the wall opposite was currently turned off, but it seemed so big compared to the tiny television set that I had in my room at home. There was a shelf below the screen with a few DVDs and games for the Nintendo Wii on it, but none of them really appealed to me.

"The other patients will be here soon, and I'm going to introduce you to them, and then them to you – is that okay?" Molly asked, standing in front of me.

"Yes," I said, shifting uncomfortable on the beanbag and making it rustle. She smiled at me and excused herself for a moment in which I took in the rest of my surroundings. The walls were a pale blue and for once all four were the same colour – this was a relief to me as the harsh colours of the visiting room hurt my eyes. The floor was covered with a soft, white carpet with a large, navy blue rug taking up a lot of the room in the centre of the floor. I didn't particularly like the colour scheme – it made the room feel cold – but then again, the whole place felt to cold and foreboding.

.

Molly re-entered the room with Chloe and mere moments afterwards, other patients began filing in, talking amongst themselves but stemming the flow of their words immediately as they saw me sitting in the corner of the room. The atmosphere in the room became immediately hostile. I counted the people in the room – 7… 8… 9. The tenth, and final, patient finally entered the room and Molly took centre stage, standing on the big, blue, rug.

"Good morning, guys," she said in her annoying bright tone, the rest of the room just kind of sat with blank faces that gave away no emotion whatsoever. "Most of you knew that we were getting a new resident today, and here he is – this is Frank." The entire room turned their heads to look at me, formulating an opinion on me based on my looks. I began shifting uncomfortably again, but stopped when I remembered the annoying noise it created. "So, Frank," Molly began, turning her attention to me after a few seconds of excruciating silence. "I'll go around the room and introduce you to these guys. So starting in your corner of the room and moving clockwise we have Alexandria, Cassie, Rachel, Samuel, Nathan, Kai, Laura, Hannah, Sylvia and Zoe. I'm sure that they will welcome you to Orchard House with open arms as they are all exceptionally lovely people. Also, this is a notice for all of you – we're going to be getting another new resident tomorrow so hopefully you can save some hospitality for him too. Now, I have to go and fill in Frank's paperwork, so I will leave you to talk to him – _please _be friendly. James and Chloe will of course be in here to observe and you can talk to them if you need to… This is James, Frank," Molly said, gesticulating to the small, chubby guy that was stood in the doorway. "Could you bring out the drinks and snacks please, James," she continued without pausing, addressing James – like Chloe he had a friendly face and struck me as a humorous person.

.

"Hi, I'm Alex," said a girl, striding towards me and flashing me a large smile. I was momentarily perplexed – her smile didn't fit in with the principal of this establishment. "Molly introduced me as Alexandra, but seriously – don't call me that. It's an awfully old fashioned name." I looked at her some more and took in her features, the sharp angles of her face and how she looked only about a quarter of the size of me; I immediately assumed that she was in here for some form of eating disorder. My thoughts were confirmed when after about a minute of embarrassingly awkward small talk, James brought a drink and some food over to Alex and she grimaced, reluctantly accepting it. "They make me eat it," she continued, taking miniscule bites of the energy bar in her hand. "They think that if I don't eat it I'm going to plummet to some kind of dangerously low weight. I have to drink milk as well and I don't even like it. It's fucking ridiculous."

"Firstly, Alex, watch your language, please," James interjected. "And secondly: you know you're already at a dangerously low weight, and you also know you shouldn't be taking about things like that with Frank." Alex just scowled at him and he stuck his tongue out at her in response; I giggled and Alex mumbled _'whatever'_ under her breath and walked back to the other girls in the room, trying to conceal the small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. I took a drink from the tray that James was holding and said thank you to him, earning me a broad smile from him before he went off to supervise Alex.

.

I sipped my drink in silence, watching the other patients take part in the various recreational activities taking place in the room. It was surprising hard to work out the reasons that each of them were in the establishment. Only a few cases were obvious – for example Alex was blatantly suffering from some kind of eating and there was another boy (possibly Kai) that seemed dangerously skinny. There were a lot of people walking around in long sleeved tops, and the people with short sleeves on had clean wrists. I assumed the long sleeves were mainly to cover scars but it made it difficult to judge why the others were here. However, I didn't ask as I had been told not to. A few times, people stared in my direction and I tried not to stare back – I felt very unwelcome. Eventually Alex came back and pulled up a bean bag next to me.

"So, were you sectioned or did you come on your own will?" she asked abruptly – I was taken aback by her forwardness.

"Oh… umm, Chloe told me I'm not to talk about it." She made a tutting noise and rolled her eyes at me.

"It's not as if anyone listens to that rule. I mean, I could tell you what everyone her is in for, but obviously I'm not doing to disrespect them by telling you – they can tell you themselves. I have severe anorexia apparently, but you probably already guessed that and I was sectioned." I smiled at her.

"I'm here 'because I tried to kill myself 3 times in 3 weeks," I mumbled, looking down into my lap. "And I '_chose_' to come here."

"Oh," Alex said bluntly. "You could relate to a lot of the people in here. Do you know anything about the new boy coming in tomorrow? The others were asking."

"Well Chloe said that he'll be sharing a room with me and that he's been sectioned – but that's all I know." Alex nodded, stood up and returned to the group of girls playing Wii carnival in the middle of the room. I spent the rest of the half an hour on my own, finishing my drink and eating an apple.

.

"We're starting the relaxation therapy session if you would like to come through." A stranger was stood in the doorway and was addressing the entire room.

"That's Simon," Alex said when I looked at her, questioning who the fuck this person was. "He's the occupational therapist. C'mon. I don't really like relaxation therapy but sometimes it's just nice to sit in a room with others and not feel lonely but not get stressed about by annoying people. I'll come with you." She flashed me a winning smile and I followed her after Simon with about another 3 patients.

.

When I entered the room labelled "Relaxation Therapy Room" I immediately noticed how much time had gone into painting this room - all four walls and the ceiling were painted to depict the entire solar system. I stared in awe at the intricately painted planets and all the star constellations that I recognised – and the ones I didn't. It was astounding how beautiful this room was and I decided that even if I didn't like the session, I would continue to come to this room just to marvel at the art work. Eventually, due to being nudged by Alex, I moved and sat in a chair, avoiding the bean bags so that there was no chance I would make any noise to disturb the serene atmosphere. The lights in the room were all different colours, but they were dim which added to the magical feel of the room – I had fallen in love. I had always loved art but I had no patience for creating it myself. When my dad was still around he would take me to art galleries all over the country and I would spend hours making him explain the concepts to me. I felt my cheeks flushing red and I shook my head to erase all thoughts of my fucking good-for-nothing father.

"So are you ready to start?" Simon asked. His voice was clear and soothing; when he talked it seemed more like a cat purring. The patients in the room made non-committal mumbling noises which he took for a 'yes'. Simon pressed play on his wireless CD player and soft music began playing – it sounded like a lullaby. "So… today I would like you to close your eyes and imagine that you are taking a relaxing walk through a wonderfully calm forest. It's a warm day, but the shelter of the canopy keeps you cool, and so does the occasional summer breeze – you are relaxed. You can hear the birds chirping away cheerfully and you can see a light… you slowly make your was towards it and you step into a tranquil field full of golden wheat. You feel safe and secure and nothing at all can harm you. You take a few moments to just breath, take in your surroundings and think – send all of your negative away with the small, fluffy clouds in the sky. They are not with you anymore – you are completely relaxed. Your negative thoughts do not matter anymore as they have gone – they have flown away with the clouds in the blue sky." Simon continued talking for a few more minutes before leaving us to our own thoughts. I felt exceptionally tired – I'd had very little sleep the night before in the hospital as I had been worried sick about coming to this place. If I was honest with myself, Orchard House didn't seem bad at all.

.

I was carefully dragged from my thoughts when Simon began talking again. "I know that I always say this, but make sure that you remember: you can always return to this state of relaxation when you are feeling stressed or upset. Now, slowly bring yourself back… become aware of your surroundings and open your eyes." I opened my eyes and once again was met with the beauty of the décor. I turned to see Alex smiling at me; I smiled back, feeling quite a lot more relaxed than I had before. I thought to myself that I would probably begin to enjoy these sessions more the more I joined in with them. Reluctantly, I left the room, taking one last, long view of the beautiful pictures.

"How did you find it?" Alex asked as we walked through the corridor towards the living room.

"It was good, actually," I replied. "I didn't think it would be of any benefit to me, but I found it quite…"

"Relaxing?" Alex said, finishing my sentence. "It can be annoying how many times Simon says 'relaxed' or something along the lines of that. But once you get past that, it is quite useful. Kai doesn't like it… and neither does Sylvia. The others just tend to opt in and out of the sessions."

"Cool," I said simply, not entirely sure how to respond. "So what do we do now?"

"Well… you can come to the lounge or you can go to your room. Dinner is at 5pm, as you've probably been told, but you have an hour until then. I'll be in the lounge if you want to come and hang out with me… I can introduce you to the others."

"No that's okay," I said awkwardly, wanting to just sit on my own for a while. "I think I'll just go to my room and finish sorting out my stuff." Alex nodded at me and said by, returning to the lounge area. James came out of a door way near me, making me jump.

"Hey, James," I said, addressing him – he turned and smiled at me. "Is it okay if I go to my room until dinner?" I asked.

"Sure, Frank. I'll let Chloe know so she can make sure she does your observations."

"Thanks," I said, smiling and walking in the direction of my room.


	4. Chapter 4

I pulled my diary out of my bag and opened it to the next clean page. I hadn't been able to write in it for 3 days, for obvious reasons, so I began by filling in the events that had happened. I had just finished writing about my suicide attempt and was beginning to write about being brought here when I heard the sound of keys rattling coming from the end of the corridor – I had realised by now that the sound of the keys would be a way to tell if staff were nearby. As expected, Chloe appeared in the doorway with a clipboard and a pen posed in her hand.

"Hi, Frank… are you settling in okay?" she asked, stepping into the room.

"Yes, thank you," I replied politely, closing my diary quickly and putting my pen down.

"Good," she purred. "I'm just here to do your observation. I have to write down where you are, what time it is and what you're doing. So, you're in your room… it's quarter to 5… and – what are you doing?"

"I'm writing in my diary," I replied, feeling a faint red flush appear on my cheeks.

"Wonderful. Well I'll be back in another 15 minutes, but I'll be taking you up to the dining room for dinner. You need to have a quick look at this menu and choose what you would like for dinner." She thrust a piece of paper towards me and I took it and perused the options. I immediately ticked the vegetarian option and then filled in the rest of the form appropriately, choosing which vegetables I wanted and what I wanted for dessert before handing it back to Chloe. She smiled at me. "Do you need me for anything?" She asked, tucking the paper into her clipboard. I shook my head in response and she bid me farewell, allowing me to return to writing in my diary.

.

I finished writing in my diary at around five minutes to five and lay back on my bed, waiting for Chloe to come and fetch me. Sure enough, after five minutes she arrived and whisked me off down a corridor and into a large room that I assumed was the dining room. There were lots of small tabled scattered around the room that looked like they could accommodate two or three people at a time. Some people were already sat down in groups, except for Alex and Kai who were sat separately, but with other members of staff – I assumed that this was so that the staff could make sure that they ate all of their meal. I sat down on a table on my own, not wanting to intrude on the other patients' ready-made friendship groups – it felt like a fucking high school. After a while, the girl I recognised as Sylvia walked in and looked around for a place to sit; there were no free places other than a seat at a table with Cassie and Rachel or a seat at the table with me. She looked between the tables and was met with icy cold glares from the other girls, therefore she turned to come and sit with me.

.

We both sat in silence until the nurses brought our food to us. I tucked in immediately as the food looked delicious – I didn't know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn't good quality food. Sylvia ate in silence with not quite as much gusto as I was, but with more than Alex who I could see struggling in my peripheral vision.

"Hi, I'm Frank," I mumbled after about 5 minutes of awkward silence. She just looked at me and said nothing. "Umm… I like your hair," I said awkwardly. Sylvia's hair was jet black and tied up in two low bunches on either side of her head. Her hair was wavy and she had a side fringe that flopped into her eyes as she put her head down to eat.

"I've been here nearly a week and you're the first person to say anything nice to me," she whispered. "Not that I can blame them… I mean, I'm fucking crazy." The volume of her voice was beginning to rise and I was becoming somewhat unnerved. "Let's get out of her. I mean, there's no way that you could ever _want _to be here. I say that we runaway now and if they don't let us out we get these knifes and kill them. They're blunt as fuck but if you poke them hard enough with it you're bound to do damage." Tears were beginning to stream down her pale face now, and I looked around wildly and saw that Chloe had noticed this disturbance.

"Sylvia, can we go somewhere else and talk about this?" Chloe asked in a reassuring tone. Sylvia nodded and got up to walk away with her; I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding in.

.

About half way across the room, Sylvia dropped to her knees, screeching and crying. The entire room went silent, except for the staff that got up and helped Chloe take her out of the room. I sat utterly dumfounded by the situation, whereas the others just carried on eating their meals. Chloe re-entered the room just as I was putting the last mouthful of my desert in my mouth. She sat down in the chair opposite me where Sylvia had been sat 15 minutes previous.

"Are you okay, Frank?" she asked, concern on her face. Her concern wasn't feigned like Doctor Jones' usually was at home.

"I'm fine… it was just a bit of a new experience. Is she okay? Where did she go?"

"Oh, she's in the LSU so she'll be just fine. Just remember that it wasn't personal and you don't need to worry about it. Anyway, it's nearly half past five, so we'll be distributing your phones in a few minutes. If you're finished you can go through to the lounge after you've helped clear up." Chloe gushed before scurrying off again. I handed in my plate to the cook and took all the other items on my table to the trolley to be taken away. Afterwards, I headed towards the lounge.

.

I was intercepted by Alex – who was closely followed by James - in the corridor whilst making my way over to the lounge.

"What happened with Sylvia?" she asked immediately.

"Hello to you too, Alex," I said sarcastically – she just smiled at me and cocked one eyebrow at me challengingly. "I don't know. I think she had some kind of break down. They took her to the LSU anyway… I don't even know what that is."

"Oh. It's the Low Stimulus Unit but I have no idea what it is really because I've never had to go into it. Don't worry about her anyway, she'll be fine. How are you anyway, Frank?" She asked politely.

"I'm alright, I guess. A bit shaken up, but mainly okay. How about you?"

"Full," she replied shortly. "And James has to follow me round like a dog for the next hour in case I try to go and make myself sick."

"Alex, you're not meant to discuss your problems!" James said, reprimanding her but not in a serious manner. Alex just rolled her eyes at him and he mimicked her, exaggerating the motions.

"James is by far the best member of staff here," Alex continued. "He's not quite as strict as the others, but that doesn't mean you can get away with anything. He's in charge of my care – who's in charge of yours?"

"Chloe," I replied simply. Alex grimaced.

"Hmm. She's alright, I guess. But if you need to talk to anyone, I'll lend James to you." Alex smiled at me and then at James who gave both of us the biggest and most sincere grin I'd seen my life.

.

When we arrived at the lounge, we headed to the corner at the back where there were two bean bags positioned opposite each other. Mere seconds after we had got settled, James came out with a medium sized, black, cardboard box – I guessed that in contained all of the mobile phones.

"Ok, guys - phone time," he said, still smiling. I didn't understand how someone could appear this happy all the time. He began to read out numbers that were stuck to the back of each phone, and Alex got up to get hers when number 8 was read out. Eventually, after ten phones had been distributed, I was the only one left without a phone. "Frank, you're number 11," James said, coming over to me. "Don't forget. When other people hand the phones out, just get up when they say 11. Obviously the numbers won't be in order because the box gets moved around, but just remember – 11." I thanked him and he left, presumably to fetch his clipboard so he could observe Alex.

"Who are you going to text?" Alex asked, staring intently at her phone and clicking the buttons frantically.

"My mum, I guess. I haven't really got anyone else worth texting." I scrolled through my contacts, pausing on my father's name but quickly dismissing any impulses to text him. Instead, I clicked on my mum's name and began sending her a message to let her know that I'm fine. "How about you?"

"Oh. I'm going to text my parents, obviously, and maybe my little sister," she mumbled.

"I wish I had a sibling," I replied, looking up from my phone at Alex's face. "How old is she?"

"She's 7… my mum brought her a phone just so that she can keep in contact with me. Her name's Ebony – I have a picture of her in my room and I'll show you tomorrow. She doesn't know where I am though… I was sectioned, so I'm not allowed home and mum won't let her visit this place and she doesn't understand why her big sister can't come home." Alex's voice became little more than a whisper at the end of her sentence; I regretted bringing up the subject.

.

After 15 minutes of awkward silence, she smiled at me and put her phone down.

"I'd hug you if James wasn't watching from the other side of this room," she said. "I hate the no contact rule. It's not like I'm going to get pregnant from hugging you… it's hard to make friends without contact." She looked so sad that I just wanted to hug her too.

"How long have you been here?" I asked, not sure if I was delving in too deeply, but Alex didn't seem to have anything against asking me personal questions.

"Twenty eight days today," she replied. "That's how long you have to stay if you're sectioned. I was meant to be going home tomorrow, but they said I haven't made enough progress and I haven't shown that I'm not going to go back to starving myself when I get home. So I'm not allowed to leave for another two weeks. On the other hand, they're applying to get me some leave… but it will only be a few hours a day. At least I'll get to see my little Ebony." She gave me the biggest smile that I had seen from her all day. "I hope they allow it."

"I'm sure they will," I replied, reaching out to put my hand on her leg but thinking the better of it – her smile faltered.

.

We decided to play a game of cards for a while afterwards, and then we drew pictures of each other and then swapped at the end – she drew me in an anime style whereas I drew her in a more realistic fashion. I was exceptionally proud of my drawing and was reluctant to give it away, but I wanted to be able to take my drawing from Alex home as a memory when I got out.

.

At around 8 o'clock, I retired to my bedroom to get settled for bed. I got changed into my pyjamas and sat on my bed, looking at the drawing. I noticed that Alex had scribbled something on the black in a bright pink pen – her writing was not particularly neat so I struggled to read it. I deciphered a number and a short note underneath

"_This is the number for my phone at home… it's so we can keep in contact when we both get out of this place – keep it safe xox"_

I smiled to myself and began folding the paper in half when Chloe walked in.

"I'm just here to do your observation," she said quietly. She began to write, mumbling what she was scribbling as she went. "8:15 pm… Frank's room… Umm, what are you doing, Frank?" she asked, looking up at me.

"Well, I'm looking at this picture Alex drew me, then I'm going to write in my diary and just lie here and eventually sleep," I replied, realising how annoying these constant interruptions were.

"Ah, that reminds me," she said, fumbling around in her pocket. Her hand emerges with a small ball of blu-tac. "James told me that you and Alex had been drawing things for each other and he suggested I bring you both some blu-tac so you can stick the pictures up." I smiled at her gratefully and immediately began sticking the picture up above the head of my bed. "Last thing – the night staff will be coming on at 9 o'clock, so just be prepared for someone else to be taking over your observations. Someone will come to collect your phone at about 10 o'clock - if you're asleep before then, just leave it on your bed side table. I'll see you twice more tonight, and then at about 1 o'clock tomorrow, Frank," she said before leaving the room. I pulled out my diary and began recounting the events of the day, feeling exceptionally tired due to my lack of sleep the past few days.


	5. Chapter 5

I awoke far earlier than I normally would, not quite remembering that I wasn't in my own bed in my own home. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, running my hands violently through my hair – a feeble attempt to wake myself up a little more. I felt absolutely disgusting after not having had the chance to shower for three days, so I got dressed quickly and walked towards the living room in order to find someone to ask about the rules on showering and more importantly – where the fuck were the showers. The corridors were cold and I regretted not putting a hoodie on, but it seemed like far too much effort to turn around and go back to my room to retrieve one.

.

It was only 6:30am according to my watch and there was no sign of Alex in the lounge. In fact – there were no patients in the room whatsoever. After looking around for a few seconds, I found that it wasn't completely empty as I had assumed, but there were two members of staff in the room that I hadn't yet met – one male and one female.

"Excuse me," I said to the female – she didn't even glance up at me from her book. "Where can I go and have a shower?"

"Oh, you must be, Frank," she said eventually, and for once, I didn't receive a friendly smile. Her attitude was very hostile and I immediately felt uncomfortable. She snapped her book shut and stood up. She was almost the same height as me – making her small for a fully grown adult – and her hair was mousy brown with a hint of grey to it. "Firstly, you have to be wearing long sleeves if you're walking around with scars on your arm – did you not listen when you were being told the rules yesterday? And in answer to your question, you must have your breakfast first. Breakfast is in about 20 minutes, and you can shower any time after breakfast but before school at 10 – I'll show you the bathroom later. Oh – and while you're here, you can fill in this sheet." She handed me a sheet of paper, similar to the one I had received yesterday, with options as to what I wanted to eat today. I quickly ticked the vegetarian options and handed it back to the woman. "You should probably go back to your room and come back at about 7 when your breakfast is actually ready." I muttered a thank you to her before turning around and retracing my steps back to my room – I did not like that woman's attitude.

.

When I next ventured out of my room, I remembered to pick up my hoodie. I ran into Alex on the way to the dining room and asked how her night had been. I received an incoherent grumble in response that I took to mean she hadn't slept well at all.

"How 'bout you?" she asked, stifling a yawn.

"I slept really well, actually," I said with a smile. "I think it's because I've missed out on a lot of sleep these past few days and I felt like a zombie."

"Zombies are awesome," she mused out loud. I laughed, agreed and held the door open for her to enter the dining room.

.

The system for getting breakfast was exactly the same as dinner had been before. Unfortunately, the woman I had met earlier wouldn't let me sit with Alex, no matter how much we begged, so I had to sit in the corner on my own again. I was shocked when someone sat down opposite me – it was Sylvia.

"Hey," she mumbled. Her voice was very high pitched.

"Hi," I said in response, accompanying it with a small smile. She looked exhausted and I immediately felt sorry for her, but the atmosphere on the table still became very tense as I was worried that she might have another violent outburst like the time before. "Are you okay?"

"No," she said, looking up at me through her eyelashes. "But I'm better than yesterday. I'm really sorry… I don't know what happens to me when I do things like that. It just… happens."

"Don't worry, dude." I waved my hand in the air as if dispersing all the bad thoughts. "It's fine. I was just a bit worried – I'm not used to this life yet."

"Well I probably wrecked your first day here, but it's not that bad to be honest. I've been in far worse places than this," she said, finishing her sentence just as out food was brought out to us. We sat and ate in silence, neither of us looking at the other. I couldn't decide whether we were friends now, or whether we had just cleared the air and we could just live with one another – I would let Sylvia decide.

.

I was finished at around 7:30, and I said goodbye to Sylvia before putting my plate and cutlery away as I had done at dinner the night before. I then decided to venture up to the woman that I had encountered earlier that day and ask for more information about the showers. I was directed to a small room with a shower, a toilet and a sink in it. It was on the other side of the building to the regular toilets, and that explained why I hadn't seen the room already. I had been handed a towel to borrow as my mother seemed to have forgotten to pack me one. It was a pale pink and seemed to have been used to the point where there were places in the material where it was so thin that a hole was going to appear soon. I turned the water on and stepped under the stream of water, only to find that the temperature of the water was barely above room temperature. I tried not to become disheartened by the conditions and just enjoyed getting myself clean again.

.

After attempting to towel dry my hair for fifteen minutes in my room, Alex came knocking on my door.

"Where have you been!" she exclaimed, standing in the door way. "Its quarter to ten and we've got school in fifteen minutes. Oh… and the new guy is here. He's a cutie – you're lucky to have him in your bedroom."

"Fuck you," I mumbled, zipping up my hoodie and following her out the door. "How is the schooling here?"

"It's pretty good, actually. They give you work suited to your ability and they're really good at helping people. The first lesson is quite weird though, but I'm sure you'll be fine – come on! Let's go see the new kid! I have to get back anyway because I'm on 10 minute observation and I've already been gone for 8 of them."

"How was your breakfast?" I asked, jokingly. She groaned and touched her stomach instinctively.

"It was absolutely _awful._ They made me eat cereal **and** toast… with butter! It's disgusting."

"You're beautiful, Alex," I said, smiling at her. "And you always will be. You don't need to do this to yourself.

.

We arrived at the living room out of breath from running recklessly through the corridors. All of the patients were once again gathered in the lounge being introduced to the new boy by the woman who was completely ridiculous.

"Alexandra!" she exclaimed when we came bursting through the door. "You know that it is _forbidden _for you to be running around like that. And you, Frank – you shouldn't be encouraging her behaviour." I scowled at her, not quite confident enough to talk back to her. Alex, on the other hand, seemed to be bursting with such confidence.

"Well excuse me for trying to get back to the lounge before my observation to save you a job, Sue. Next time I'll play hide and seek and see if you like that," she practically sang, accompanying it with a completely innocent smile; I smirked, trying to hold in a laugh, which earned us both an icy stare from the nurse I now knew as Sue.

"Just sit down both of you, please – I'll deal with you later, Alexandra. As I was saying before I was oh so rudely interrupted, this is Gerard and he'll be rooming with you, Frank. So it would probably be best if you at least made an effort not to be rude to him," she said, looking down her nose at me. She obviously felt superior, but I wasn't about to let that happen.

"I'm only rude to people who are rude to me, and I'm sure Gerard isn't a rude person – right, Gerard?"

.

I looked at the new kid for the first time and did a double take, trying not to stare. His hair was longer than mine and it was pure black with a fringe that dangled into his face, obscuring his eyes. He was as paler than me too – his skin practically translucent, reflecting the florescent lights on the ceiling. He was sat with his hands clamped in between his legs and from what I could see of his facial expression, he looked as if he was going to cry. He shook his head violently, giving me a fleeting glimpse of his eyes – hazel. They were beautiful.

"See. So maybe other people need to buck up their attitude," I said, shoving my hands in my jeans pockets and rocking back on my heels. Sue looked at me, taken aback a little before taking a deep breath and asking me to sit down – I complied, with Alex collapsing next to me trying to hold in her laughter and failing miserably.

"Well Gerard will be going off with Shane to get settled in and everything and you will all be going to school. Mrs Taylor will be across soon to take you to the schooling room so I expect you all to be ready," she finished, looking at us all before turning and talking to Shane.

.

"Hi, I'm Alex," Alex said, saying exactly what she had said to me when I had been in this position. "And this is Frank," she added.

"Hey," I smiled, trying to put across a positive vibe. I didn't have to worry about making conversation, as Alex was doing that just fine.

"Frank only got here yesterday but I've been here for _ages._ It's a nice place and most of the people are friendly – not so much Sue… she's a right bitch. But when you meet the afternoon staff you'll get to meet James and he's absolutely awesome! Have you been assigned a named nurse?"

"Yeah…" Gerard mumbled. "Shane." His voice was thick with sorrow – it made me feel rather sad.

"He's alright… nothing special but he's not going to kill you or anything," she giggled. "Well I hope that all three of us can be friends. You'll _love_ Frank! He's totally amazing! I've only known him for a day and he's already charmed me into a friendship – you're lucky to be rooming with him." I blushed and Gerard giggled – it was adorable. The guy was fucking gorgeous. I hadn't felt this level of attraction for any male since my first male crush years ago… that hadn't ended well. Everyone found out and it resulted in me being called many names, 'fag' and 'queer' among them. I blinked hard, throwing the negative thoughts out of my head.

.

I opened my mouth to speak when another new person entered the room. She was old and had a weathered face with thin, grey hair that was tied back tightly.

"Do the people going to school today want to come down with me now?" she said – more of a command than a request. Both Alex and I bid farewell to Gerard and followed who I assumed to be Mrs Taylor down the seemingly never ending corridors. The building looked small from the outside, but I was realising just how much land this hospital covered. Finally, we reached a room that was slightly larger with the lounge. Its décor was similar to that of the visitors' room, but there were various pieces of work stuck up on the walls – poetry, art work and posters were all dotted around the room. I began analysing the room and trying to read some of the poetry.

"Frank?" a voice said from behind me. It was Mrs Taylor and evidently she had been talking to me.

"Pardon?" I replied.

"I was just saying that you're going to be sitting over here and I'm going to explain the work to you." The table was empty, and the other patients were sat at the other three circular tables situated around the room. Most of the patients were already getting on with their work and there were two other teachers in the room, observing and helping students that were struggling. I sat down in the blue, plastic chair and waiting for an introductory speech. "This is the hospital school," she began. "Just because you're in here, doesn't mean you can't have an education. From what I've been told about you you're exceptionally bright, so we hope to accommodate your needs here."

.

She proceeded to ask me questions about my level of education and said that she was going to get in touch with my school to see if they could arrange to have work sent to me so that I didn't fall behind. The whole conversation sparked a thought in my head – school. They didn't know where I was. It wasn't as if anyone cared but they would notice that the focus of their bullying wasn't there anymore. Also, my teachers liked me because I was intelligent and compliant, unlike the other fucking idiots that attended that place. Would they have been informed of the situation? I supposed that they would be when they were asked to send me work. Were they going to ask me questions when I got back?

"Now, Frank, I'm going to ask you to write a mini autobiography. I have a sheet of paper with a list of questions for you to answer within it, but feel free to add whatever you like to it. I must stress that this is the only piece of your school work that will be given to the doctors to read, unless we have a specific reason as to why they should be shown your work. Do you understand what you're doing?" she asked. I nodded in response. "Good. Well I'll leave it to you then – just give me a shout when you've finished.

.

After she left, I looked down at the sheet of paper and read the questions, informing myself of the task at hand.

'_Who do you live with?__Do you have any pets?__Describe your room.__What do you like to do in your spare time?__What is your school like?__Do you like your teachers?__What subjects do you like?__What subjects don't you like?__Do you know why you're in hospital? What do you want to happen while you are in hospital?' _It seemed like a simple enough task, maybe even a little insulting to my level of intelligence, but I picked up a pen from the middle of the table and began to write on the fresh, lined, paper: _'My name is Frank Anthony Iero and this is my life…'_


	6. Chapter 6

I was proud of my autobiography once I had finished and was startled to find that it was close to 12:15 – almost time for lunch. I began tapping my foot impatiently, wanting to leave the bright room, but having to wait impatiently until we were dismissed. I let my mind wander as I pretended to proof read my work. I wondered if Gerard had already put his belongings in our room – I assumed he had considering he hadn't been in the lounge at break time. Gerard seemed like a nice guy and he was beautiful… I didn't know how I was going to cope having to live in the same space as him! He looked like the sort of person you would expect to be in a band – the sort of person you would plaster your walls in posters of and blast out there music as loud as you could. I shook myself, realising that I was daydreaming and that I didn't know anything at all about the new boy.

.

I smiled as I remembered that James would be doing his shift at the moment, and I was glad that the surly, old woman would be leaving. She had a completely negative impact on my morning, but hopefully James and Chloe could rectify that. My inner monologue was suddenly interrupted by Alex sitting down heavily in a chair opposite me.

"Time to go to lunch," she announced, standing up again and starting to walk out of the door.

"Wait up!" I called after her, stumbling away from the table and thrusting my work into the teacher's hands. She thanked me, looking bewildered as I practically ran off in the direction of Alex.

.

"Are you going to ask Gerard to sit with you at lunch?" Alex asked as we made our way through the winding corridors.

"I don't know," I mumbled. I hadn't thought about this. "It depends if he wants to."

"Well you're going to be sat on your own anyway… I heard Sylvia's in the LSU again. She had another break down and lashed out and started attacking the staff."

"How do you find out this stuff?" I asked, wondering how she knew this when she had been in school with me all morning.

"It happened last night. It was really late and you were obviously asleep but I heard the whole thing and went to investigate," she said. "So you're going to be alone and he's going to be alone so it only makes sense for you to ask him to sit with you. You are going to be living with him, after all." I nodded and smiled. Alex had made my first day here a hell of a lot better by talking to me and I hoped that maybe I could my Gerard's first day a little easier. I decided that I _would_ ask him to sit with me and I would also try and find out as much about Gerard as I could, in order to try and form a friendship.

.

To my relief, Gerard was already in the dining room when we got there and he was sat at a table on his own, looking absolutely petrified of this place. After being shoved by Alex, I walked over to Gerard's table and sat down cautiously, looking up at him and smiling – he didn't return the gesture. I tried not to be disheartened by his response and instead carried on my campaign to get to know him.

"I don't know if you remember, but I'm Frank," I said, deciding this would be the best way to open the conversation. "And you're Gerard – my new roommate, right?" Gerard nodded, staring at me intently and refusing to speak. "Do you like the room?"

"Yeah," he mumbled, eventually averting his gaze and playing with the sleeve of his hoodie. I smiled to myself, proud that I had gained a response, no matter how small.

"Awesome! I think it's pretty decent and the beds are actually _really_ comfy; I slept like a log last night. Are coming to school after lunch?" Gerard nodded, furrowing his eyebrows a little and picking frantically at his sleeve. I concluded that he wasn't too keen on talking to people. "It's quite good. You've got to write an autobiography for your first task and it's quite easy."

"I'm more of a painter than a writer," Gerard said, his cheeks flushing pink as through he was embarrassed about what he had said.

"Wow! Wait until you see the relaxation therapy room later on. It's astonishing! It's painted like- well… you'll see." Gerard looked up at me, curiosity spread across his face – I grinned at him.

.

Our lunch was brought to our table before I could think of another topic of conversation, and I instantly noticed that Gerard had meat on his plate.

"Meat eater?" I asked indifferently. Once again, he nodded slowly, scrutinising my face for judgement probably. "I'm vegetarian."

"That's cool. I was vegetarian for a while, but it didn't work out for me." We descended into silence for a few minutes while we ate, but it didn't feel awkward at all. "How long are you going to be here for?"

"However long it takes for me to get better. I heard you were sectioned."

"Yeah, but I am going to get out of this place as quickly as possible. I don't care how much I have to act, I'll get out," he grumbled, picking at his food.

"Are you any good at acting?"

"I did a drama club and got a hell of a lot of main roles." I smirked at him and continued to eat.

.

After lunch, we went back to school and Gerard joined us, I watched as he was instructed to complete the exact same task I had the previous morning. One of the teachers had set me up with some kind of History work that looked relatively interesting, and the fact that I was sat on a table with Alex made the time even more enjoyable.

.

I realised half way through my work that I hadn't thought about suicide or self-harm for the entire time that I had been here. I guessed that it was because I had been exceptionally busy and with Gerard arriving today as well I hadn't had any time for such thoughts. But now that the thought was in my head I couldn't get rid of it. It got harder and harder for me to concentrate on completing my work and eventually I just gave up all together, deciding to watch the clock until it hit three o'clock. Absentmindedly, I began to scratch at my hand in a feeble attempt to cause myself some damage – I was immediately scolded by one of the nurses and I settled for drumming my fingers on the table impatiently. I was extremely agitated.

"What's up?" Alex whispered, looking at me with concern in her eyes.

"Nothing," I mumbled, avoiding her gaze. She made an unhappy sounding noise in the back of her throat.

"Okay… well I'm here to talk if you need me."

.

Finally, we were dismissed and I practically ran out of the room – I needed to find some kind of distraction from these urges for pain. I wanted to see my blood and I was _desperate._ Alex shouted for me to 'wait up' but I just walked faster. I couldn't deal with other people at that exact moment in time. My head was spinning and when I reached the lounge, I just continued walking towards my room. However, I didn't make it there as James intercepted me.

"Break time, Frank," he said. "You have to go to the lounge and have a drink before you can go to your room."

"I can't," I said sharply, attempting to pass James but he moved to block my path.

"And why's that?" I began to shake violently. "Frank, are you okay? Do you need to talk to me about anything?" I shook my head violently. "Do you want me to bring you a drink and you can talk to me in your room?" I nodded, wiping the tear that fell from my eye away violently. James walked towards the lounge and I practically sprinted to my room, not wanting anyone to see me cry.

.

I threw myself on the bed and sobbed into my pillow. I would have laughed at my dramatic action if I wasn't concentrating so hard on trying to regain control over myself. My sobs became so violent that they racked my whole body, causing the bed to shake slightly. There was a knock on the door and I looked up expecting to see James… but it was Gerard.

"Are you okay," Gerard said so quietly that he was practically whispering. I put my face back in the pillow and didn't respond. I heard him shuffle over and I flinched when he put his hand on my back and began to rub it soothingly. Slowly, I began to calm down.

"No contact, Gerard," I head James say when he entered the room. I looked up and watched Gerard scurry out of the room like a frightened mouse before accepting the water from James.

.

"What's bothering you, Frank?"

"I don't know. It just dawned on me that I have no means of hurting myself in this place," I mumbled, sniffing and wiping my face.

"That's a good thing," James said brightly. I scowled at him.

"Not when it's something you depend on. It's harder than I thought it would be. I've never tried to give up in my life and right now… I don't think I want to." I whispered the last bit, but James evidently still heard me.

"And why is that?" I had calmed down by now and although I could feel my face radiating heat, it didn't feel as red as it was before.

"Because it's always been there for me… It's a safety net for me. It's been there for me when other people haven't. I don't understand why it's so hard."

"It just is, Frank," James said sympathetically. "But it will get better – promise. Now, are you ready to come to the lounge for the last 10 minutes of break? I nodded. "Are you going to relaxation therapy today?"

"Of course," I said, managing a smile. "The room is so beautiful… and hopefully it'll help me calm down a bit more."

.

I walked into the lounge awkwardly with James just behind me. Alex immediately shot up from her seat at a table with Gerard and walked over to me.

"Are you okay?" she gushed, scanning me for any sign of what emotion I was feeling.

"I'm okay now," I replied, walking over to the table with Alex by my side all the way. "I just got a bit triggered and then I freaked out."

"Gerard was really worried," she said in a low tone, but I didn't have time to reply before we reached the table where Gerard was sat.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, the concern was very evident in his voice. I gave him a smile before I replied.

"Better." Gerard seemed satisfied with that answer and took another sip of his drink.

"How was your milk?" I asked Alex, smirking at the disgust on her face.

"As awful as normal." I laughed at her face and she smiled back – even Gerard cracked a smile.

.

"Relaxation therapy is starting in a minute," James announced to the entire lounge.

"Is this the room you want me to see, Frank?" Gerard asked, obviously intrigued.

"Yeah. It's absolutely beautiful!"

"I'm not coming today," Alex said. "I really can't be bothered and I'm going to a meeting with James and a lot of other people about possibly getting me a little bit of leave. I'm so excited!" I had to admit, this was the happiest I had ever seen Alex.

"Good luck!" I said. "I'd hug you if I could, but just pretend I did," I giggled. "come on, Gerard. You need to see this room!"


	7. Chapter 7

"Just wait a second before you go in," I said, touching Gerard on the arm before pulling my arm back quickly; Gerard practically jumped back in shock. I smiled apologetically before continuing. "This room is seriously the most beautiful room you'll ever see… so tell me what you think afterwards." I gestured for him to enter the room and watched his face without blinking, so as not to miss a second of his reaction.

.

Gerard just stood opened mouthed in the door way, his eyes darting around the room as if he was trying to take in every single detail as quickly as possible. He genuinely looked as if he was going to cry, but instead he slowly moved over to one of the corners and took a seat next to mars. I saw on a chair beside him and watched as he reached out and touched the wall, caressing the planet before looking at me – he was smiling. I didn't get a chance to speak to him before Simon started the session. This time, we weren't in a forest – we were on a beach, listening to the sound of the waves and feeling the warm _relaxing_ heat of the sun. I couldn't, however, relax as much this time because I just wanted to talk to Gerard. I wanted to ask him about the room, and what he was talking about when he said he was 'more of a painter than a writer?' Could he paint? _Could he paint me something?_ I was full of questions and now I was regretting agreeing to the therapy session.

.

I let my thoughts drift to Alex, wondering how her meeting was going. I desperately hoped that she would be granted some leave, because it was torturous seeing her struggle with how much she missed her sister. I realised that she hadn't shown me a picture of Ebony yet, and she's said that she would. However, I didn't particularly want to bring up the topic in case I upset her. Although it was obvious that Alex only wanted to talk about her sister, she never did… it probably distressed her too much. I decided that if the subject of Ebony arose later in the day, I would ask about the picture.

.

I hadn't realised that so much time had passed, and so was more startled out of my trance than made gradually aware of my surroundings as I was last time. Gerard still seemed to be captivated by the walls, and even when everyone else began filing out of the room he just sat completely motionless in his chair.

"What do you think?" I asked, keeping my voice low in order to not disrupt him too much.

"It's beautiful," he breathed, looking at me with eyes full to the brim with emotion. I smiled back at him. "I could never create something as beautiful as this." Gerard turned to Simon who was packing up his tape player. "Who painted this room?" he asked, his tone sounding almost desperate.

"We held a charity event a couple of years ago and managed to raise enough money for a top artist to come in. I think was a Mr Iero or something… I hadn't heard of any of his work but apparently he did a lot of morbid paintings back in the day – a lot of death, so I've heard. This was the first piece art he did after he split with his wife. I don't even know if that's his name, but I hope I've helped you, Gerard."

.

I had frozen to the spot. _Mr Iero_. This had best be a fucking coincidence. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my veins as I became more and more angry – it was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain control of myself.

"Did he say anything about his family?" I practically growled through my clenched teeth. Simon looked at me sceptically before speaking warily.

"He said he had a son… but he was too high maintenance. He said something about the kid not making friends and showing no talent whatsoever; no matter how hard he tried to teach him about the arts, he just didn't seem to _get _it. He said he couldn't live in a household with two people that didn't understand him and so he left."

"He lied." My voice was little more than a whisper, but the anger in it was so dominant that Gerard took a few steps back from me. I was shaking with anger, clenching and unclenching my fists rhythmically.

"Frank, calm down a little but please. Remember the beach – try and picture the calming waves lapping on the sh-"

"I don't give a fuck about the waves!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, causing Gerard to jump visibly. He began edging towards the door and I felt awful for frightening him, but I couldn't stop. "He **lied**. His son knew everything there was to know about the arts because his father fucking _taught _him. I listened to every freaking thing that he said and I learned it all by heart until I could see the meaning of the paintings easily. I loved him. I loved him to fucking bits and he left me. He fucking left me and my mother on our own." By this point I was crying and my voice was coming out as a mere squeak.

"Frank… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit a nerve," Simon said, trying to redeem himself

.

"_Hit a nerve,_" I mumbled, staring at Simon intently. "Hit a nerve? You didn't hit a nerve. You ripped open a healing wound." My voice was flat, completely emotionless. Suddenly, something inside me seemed to snap – I picked up a chair and threw it at the wall, smiling at the satisfying crashing sound it made as it bounced of Venus and hit the floor. I continued to throw things around the room, making cracks in the art and scratching of small pieces of it until I was aware that I was being restrained. Before I realised the consequences of my actions I lashed out again and ended up hitting Molly square in the face. She recoiled and blinked a few times, holding her face before grabbing my arm again to make sure that I didn't hit anyone else.

"I think we should take him to the LSU," I heard her say over my own screams. I begged her not to make me go, but my body kept on fighting the restraints. I did not like this at all. The feeling of being dragged down a corridor was not a pleasant one. I felt powerless and afraid. I didn't like it one bit and I didn't like the fact that I was going to the fucking LSU.

.

The room had low lighting and all the walls were a kind of off white – they were dull, to match everything in the room. There were four seats in the room, all facing a TV with a coffee table in front of them. I took all of these features in whilst being restrained by Molly and James who were holding me into the chair; eventually, after I had managed to calm down substantially, I was let go - but I couldn't let go of the anger fully. The guilt was setting in though. It was like a tidal wave that smashed over me, drowning me and obscuring my views. I didn't know what to be guilty about first – Gerard, Simon or Molly. I had terrified Gerard, probably hit Simon in my violent episode and most likely done some serious damage to Molly's face… I felt awful.

.

Chloe was sat in the room with me for the entire time I was there, and she had informed me that I was on level one observation while I was in here, but other than that she had not uttered a word. I had no sense of time in this place, and as far as I could gather I also had no chance of escape. I estimated that it was around five o'clock in the evening, and I was proved correct when my dinner arrived on a tray that Chloe received on my behalf. She handed me the tray and sat back down in the chair opposite me, clearing her throat before attempting to speak to me.

.

"How are you feeling now, Frank?"

"Calmer," I replied shortly, picking at my food and not giving Chloe any eye contact at all. "But still pretty furious."

"Do you want to try and tell me what happened _without_ getting frustrated?" she prompted, leaning forward a little.

"Simon brought my dad up. Apparently he painted the relaxation room. My dad hurt me and I am _very _touchy about the subject," I spat, glaring at my plate.

"What happened with your dad?" Chloe asked. I didn't answer. "What did your dad do that hurt you so much?" I maintained my silence and just ate my food; Chloe sighed audibly. "I can't force you to talk about it Frank, but it would be very useful if you could tell us what happened. We don't have anything about your father in your file… we just have information about your mother and when the marriage was terminated. Frank?" I looked up automatically in response to my name and Chloe looked straight into my eyes. "Maybe this is what's stopping you from getting better."

"Trust me," I replied, coldly. "It's not. I was heading this way before he left - it just kind of acted as a catalyst. It's only been 4 years, and I'm still very aggravated by the situation. I do not want to talk about it."

"Okay, Frank. Well, I can see that you've calmed down a lot, so I think I'll be able to let you out at about half past five so that you can go and get your phone. However, if you feel you need more time to calm down you can stay in here."

.

I was practically bouncing off the walls when I was eventually deemed safe to leave the room because I _had _to go and ask Alex how her meeting went. I also needed to find Molly and Gerard to apologize. I was greeted by Molly outside the LSU and I could see that bruises were already beginning to appear on her cheek bone.

"Molly… I'm so sorry," I mumbled, staring at the pale purple marks.

"It's fine, Frank. You obviously weren't yourself when you did that. How are you feeling now?"

"A lot better… I'm still really sorry."

"Stop saying sorry!" Molly said, smiling at me but wincing as her cheek moved. I grimaced and made my way to the lounge, accompanied by Chloe.

.

I was immediately accosted by Alex, who had the biggest, most sincere smile I had seen in my life – I hoped that this meant good news.

"Guess what!" she exclaimed, but she answered before I could even open my mouth. "I've got half a day's leave on Monday to go and see Ebony! I thought that there would at least be some kind of catch to it, like 'It's only a possibility' or something like that – but they said it's an absolute definite!

"That's awesome, Alex! I'm so happy for you. Anyway, you promised to show me a picture of your sister… but you never did."

"I'll go get it now!" she practically shouted, clambering over the chairs to get to her room as quickly as possible.

"Don't run please, Alex!" James called after her. Alex shouted back a quick 'sorry!' before slowing down to a fast walk. I smiled to myself, thoroughly cheered up by Alex's news – but then I saw Gerard sat in the corner on his own staring at me; he looked down when I noticed him and I saw a pink flush appear on his neck. I engaged in a debate in my head on whether I should go over to him or not… I arrived at the conclusion that I should apologise and not just run away.

.

"Hey," I mumbled, standing in front of him with my hands in my hoodie pockets. I wanted to just kneel down, wrap my arms around him and apologise profusely… but I knew I couldn't. I became disconcerted when he didn't reply, and had to resist the urge to run away and hide in my room… _our room_. "I'm so sorry, Gerard. I didn't mean to go all crazy like that. Did I scare you? 'Cause I'm really s-"

"It's okay," Gerard said, looking up and smiling shakily. "I know you didn't mean to… I just don't like it when people are upset… it upsets me." I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm still really sorry," I mumbled, brushing my hair out of my eyes. I decided to change the subject. "Did you hear Alex's good news?"

"Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it? She told me about Ebony too… she really loves her sister, doesn't she."

"Yeah, she does. Have you got any siblings?"

"I have a brother – Mikey. He's pretty cool. He's three years younger than me… 13… so he knows exactly why I'm here and exactly what's going on," Gerard said. I couldn't quite put my finger on how he felt about his brother, he seemed quite positive. "How about you?"

"Single child," I answered, shrugging. "I always wished I had a sibling though."

.

At that point, Alex re-entered the room, clutching a glossy photo to her chest. She thrust it into my hands before even saying a word. The girl in the photo looked just like Alex, but her hair was lighter – almost platinum blond. Her eyes were the same green as Alex's and she was smiling so widely it was hard not to smile back at her.

"She's so pretty," Gerard breathed. I hadn't realised that he was leaning over my shoulder and so his presence made me jump.

"She looks just like you!" I exclaimed, looking from Alex, to the photo, then back at Alex.

"I know," she grinned. I opened my mouth to ask her more questions about her sister, but was interrupted by James announcing that the phones were going to be handed out.

"Oh my god, I get to tell Ebony the good news!" Alex squealed, and Gerard and I just smiled at her, happy that she was in such a good mood.


	8. Chapter 8

"How did you find it today?" I whispered to Gerard who was lying in his bed. The lights had been turned out around 10 minutes ago, and I couldn't seem to sleep.

"It was okay," he mumbled back, sounding very insincere. I hummed unhappily. "Well, obviously I don't _want _to be here. It went better than I expected, anyway."

"I'm sorry about earlier… it was just a bit too much for me to find out."

"Stop apologising! I said it was fine," Gerard said, exasperation in his voice. "I get it. I mean, I don't understand obviously, but I kind of get why you'd go off like that… if you get what I mean."

"Yeah," I replied quietly. "I get it. Would it be rude to ask why you're in here? I'll understand if you don't want to talk about it and strictly speaking, we're not meant to anyway."

"It's fine," Gerard said. I heard him take a deep breath. "I tried to kill myself a few times, got put into a unit, got let out, tried to kill myself a few more times and now I'm back in a different unit. They don't trust me to be at home." I just stared through the dark in the general direction of Gerard with my mouth open.

"That's a lot… I would say we have something in common but I've only tried it three times and this is my first time in a place like this. How long were you kept in the first time?"

"Only a week. They said I made progress very quickly and because I showed no signs of me being a danger to myself, they just let me go home. I faked it all, of course. Like I said – I'm a good actor. Of course, you can't just pretend you're completely fine because they obviously won't believe you. No, you have to cry a little, confess that you have some problems and then miraculously overcome them." I made a mental note of everything Gerard had just said and planned to put it into action. "I'm gonna get out of here as quick as possible too, and when I do I'm going to move out. I have a tonne of money saved up, plus the money that my Grandma left me when she died – she was unbelievably rich. It's weird as well because no one else in the family has ever been or will ever be as successful as she was. I'm sorry, I'm rambling aren't I?"

"No, not at all. You're interesting. I have nothing interesting to say about my life whatsoever. Anyway, I'm going to sleep 'because I'm tired as hell. Goodnight, Gerard," I yawned.

"'night, Frank," Gerard replied. I heard him roll over in his bed and then his breathing got really heavy, it lulled my into my own sleep.

.

On weekends, we were allowed to remain asleep for longer than if it was a regular weekday, and because of that I awoke at about quarter past ten. I yawned and stretched before looking over to Gerard's bed to find him still sound asleep – I wish I could have slept for a reasonable amount of time on my first night here. I decided against waking him up, just in case he wasn't a morning person and got pissed off with me for waking him. Instead, I got dressed into one of my long sleeved tops and my favourite skinny jeans and headed off to get some breakfast. It appeared that Alex had already eaten as I saw her sprawled out on the couch as I passed the lounge. I ate what I normally ate – a bowl of cereal and a slice of toast – before rushing off to talk to Alex.

"I swear to God if I have to eat one more meal in this place I'm going to _die,_" Alex groaned overdramatically, clutching her bloated stomach. "I look so fat!"

"Shut up, Alex!" I said, sitting down beside her. "And you're going to have to keep eating your meals or they won't let you out… ever!"

"They will," Alex exclaimed. "I have another meeting today but this time my parents are coming in. I don't know what it's about, but I'm hoping it's something about getting regular leave."

"You could be getting discharged," I suggested. "From what I've seen and heard you're making a remarkable recovery."

"What have you heard?" Alex questioned, sitting up and smiling at me; her eyes were sparkling with hope and it made me smile.

"Well I heard James and Chloe talking about how when you arrived here they thought you'd take months and months to recover, but in the last week you've changed a hell of a lot and so all of the staff have been asked to give their opinions on what is going to happen with you."

.

At that moment Gerard walked in looking tired and hassled. He dragged a beanbag across the room and sat at my feet, sighing deeply.

"What's up?" Alex asked.

"I'm sick of this place already. Why does everything have to be so _bright_ and _colourful._ My room back at home is in the basement and the only light in there is artificial. I have all my band posters up and it's a complete tip. Molly said this would be my 'home' for as long as I'll be here… it's not a home at all. It's a fucking prison. Are we allowed to put posters up?" Gerard turned his attention to focus on Alex.

"As long as it's not sexual, offensive or triggering then they let you stick anything up on your walls. Also, you have to get permission from whoever you're sharing with."

"What posters are we talking about?" I asked, trying to involve myself in the conversation once more.

"Black Flag, Misfits, Iron Maiden… shit like that."

"Dude, if you _don't _put those posters up I'll be so pissed off. I swear you have a perfect taste in music." I was aware that I was staring at Gerard as if he was a God, but I didn't care. We weren't allowed headphones in this place due to the danger of the wires, and it was killing me not being able to listen to my favourite songs. "How are you going to get them in though… you've been sectioned so you can't have leave, right?"

"I'll text my mum tonight and ask her to bring them in for me when she comes to visit."

"My side of the room is absolutely covered in photos and drawings but Cassie only has a picture of her parents up – want to come have a look at my stuff?" Me and Gerard both nodded and followed Alex to her room.

.

Alex's side of the room was far less organised than Cassie's, with clothes strewn across the floor and other personal belongings piled recklessly in corners. It wasn't exactly a _mess _so to say… but it was definitely untidy. However, the wall above the head of her bed was completely plastered in pictures of her sister and other people that I assumed to be her family and friends.

"I have some pictures of my best friends, like Marie and Joe." She gestured to a photo of the three of them pulling silly faces. "And then my mum, my dad, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles and my cousins… and of course a lot of Ebony. Some of these pictures are really old… that explains why I look so fat in them." It was very odd to see Alex with a healthy looking body, in fact – it was very disconcerting. It made my heart break that such a beautiful girl could ever see herself as unattractive, but then again I didn't have an eating disorder so I didn't understand. On the other hand, there were pictures on the wall of when she must have been at her lowest weight. They were truly shocking and exceptionally hard to look at. I averted my gaze, horrified by the sight of her bones through her practically transparent skin.

.

"Are you excited for Monday?" Gerard asked, breaking the silence between the three of us. Alex launched into a massive, highly excited speech about how perfect it's going to be to see Ebony again and I accidently began to zone out. I actually found myself concentrating very intensely on Gerard. I could tell that Gerard was listening very carefully to Alex by the way his face reacted to everything that Alex said. He nodded a lot, and raised his eyebrows. Sometimes he smiled in response to Alex's enthusiasm over her sister and then he would look at her sympathetically. It occurred to me that Gerard knew how Alex was feeling because he had a sibling at home too – but at least his brother knew what was going on. It must be hard for a child to lose their big sister and not know what was going on…

"He's probably imagining you naked," I heard Alex say, dragging me abruptly out of my trance.

"Who's naked?" I asked, looking around the room. Gerard and Alex both cracked up laughing at them – I just stared, wondering what I had missed.

"You were just staring at Gerard really weirdly, and so I said you were probably imagining him naked." I immediately blushed and my eyes widened, wondering how Gerard would react to this comment. Maybe they would find out that I was gay? Maybe they'd hate me… I composed myself, but Gerard was already looking at me as if he was very intrigued by my reaction.

"Feel free to, Frank?" Gerard said in a sarcastically seductive tone. He pouted a little and pointed her chin in the air. I snorted.

"Oh, I will," I breathed, putting my hand on my chest and looking into his eyes, feigning adoration. Alex began to laugh again and Gerard and I joined in before walking back to the lounge for our break time.

.

The rest of the day was completely uneventful. I refused to set foot in the relaxation therapy room after my previous episode in there. Gerard really wanted to take part in the session but was too scared to go alone, and so Alex accompanied him after I assured them both that I would be fine on my own. Instead, I sat in my room and updated my diary with the events from the past day. I ate dinner with Gerard, discussing our tastes in music and afterwards we played a board game with Alex in the lounge. The first thing that I did when I got my phone back was to call my Grandma. I missed her a lot, and she was one of the only people in this world that could cheer me up. I spoke to her for an hour, just reminiscing about old times, and when I had to cut her off I felt like just crying. I spent the rest of the evening lying in my bed wallowing in self-pity and refusing to talk to anyone.

.

In the middle of the night I was awoken by a soft, snuffling noise. I looked around in the pitch black rather confused before realising the noise was coming from Gerard – he was crying. I participated in an internal debate over whether I should approach him or not; I came to the conclusion that I couldn't just leave him lying there in tears.

"Gerard?" I hissed through the darkness. The snuffling immediately ceased. "Don't pretend you're asleep – I heard you crying."

"Go back to sleep, Frankie," he mumbled back, his voice thick with sorrow. My heart fluttered at the nickname he gave me and I immediately reprimanded myself for reacting like that… I was pathetic.

"Do you want me to come over?" I asked. I received no protest, so I took it as an invitation. Wrapping my blanket around me, I stumbled over to Gerard's bed and sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed. Without warning, Gerard threw himself into my lap and began sobbing in a most dramatic manner. I jumped at the sudden contact, before relishing it… I had missed it so much. I stroked his hair in what I hoped was a soothing action whilst making small shushing noises. Suddenly, Gerard jolted upwards and I could feel that he was very close with me. His lips collided with mine in a very violent fashion, his breath hot on my face and his hands on my cheeks. I recoiled in shock almost immediately before standing up and practically sprinting to my bed, accidently leaving my blanked behind. "Go to sleep, Gerard. You're fucking over emotional," I said, before curling up in a ball and attempting to get to sleep… it seemed an impossible task.


	9. Chapter 9

I awoke at half past six in the morning with my blanket draped over me – either Gerard had brought it back in the middle of the night or one of the nurses had returned it to me while they were doing their hourly checks. I rolled over onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, debating whether I should just go back to sleep. It was too early to go for breakfast and I didn't want another run in with Sue – especially after what Alex had said to her previously – but on the other hand, I didn't want to risk Gerard waking up and trying to discuss last night with me. I tried to go back to sleep, but it was an impossible task as thoughts just kept running through my head and making my feel sick. I didn't know how Gerard was going to be with me, and there were so many possibilities: he could act like he didn't happen or he could bring it up straight away; he could try and kiss me again or he could never do it again; he could be angry with me or upset or at the very worst – he could never talk to me again. I didn't know how I felt about the situation, but I sure as hell didn't want to discuss it with Gerard.

.

I rolled onto my side and looked at him – his chest was rising and falling at a steady rate so I assumed that he was still sleeping. After a long internal debate, I decided that I would get up and get dressed as quietly as possible and head across to breakfast as it was almost ten to seven. However, as I sat up, Gerard stirred and I lay back down as quickly as possible and pretended to be asleep. I heard his bed creak when he stood up and I found it a difficult task to keep my eyes shut when I knew Gerard was changing – I mentally cringed at that thought. Eventually I heard him walk over to my bed and I tensed, trying to keep up a convincing performance.

"_I'm so fucking stupid,"_ he whispered before exiting the room, allowing me to breath normally again.

.

Quickly, I got dressed, throwing on the first items of clothing I could find without wondering what I looked like. I stormed out of the room, racing down the corridor suddenly angry about the whole situation. I almost knocked Alex flying in my hurricane of rage and she flattened herself against the wall in a comic fashion.

"What's up with you?" she asked, trying not to smirk at how red my face was.

"Nothing, Alex. Everything is fine and fucking dandy. I need to talk to you straight after breakfast, so can you please try and eat quickly." Alex made an indignant noise but I cut her off before she could speak. "I know it's hard for you but this is important. And can we go to your room please? I do not want to risk Gerard walking in on us." She nodded, looking surprised but she didn't question me any further. I continued to stomp down the corridor towards the dining room.

.

Gerard was sat at the table we had eaten at together the previous day, but I had no intention of sitting with him today – instead I sat in the opposite corner and ate my breakfast without looking in Gerard's direction once. He finished before me and began walking in my direction; I glanced up and gave him a look that contained so much venom that he quickly changed his path and left the dining room. I almost felt sorry for him when I saw the hurt in his eyes, but I knew that going and apologizing now would be a bad idea as it would probably mean there being a conversation about the kiss. When I saw that Alex had finished, I quickly swallowed the last mouthfuls of my cereal and rose to follow her out of the room.

"Jane has to follow me round for an hour after breakfast to make sure I don't try and throw it up or anything, but we can go to my room and just hang out until she's allowed to leave me." Alex turned her attention to Jane. "We're going to my room for the hour that you have to watch me… so would it be easier to do Frank's observations at the same time so that Sue doesn't have to go out of her way?"

"Good idea, Alex. I'll go get my documents now – wait here and don't move… I'm serious, Alex." Alex gave her a butter-wouldn't-melt smile and waited until Jane was out of earshot.

"Ok, Frank. Just give me an outline of what's happened. Why weren't you sitting with Gerard at breakfast?"

"He kissed me last night, Alex, and I don't know how I feel about it. Mostly anger at the moment, but I need to talk to someone about it and the staff will just have us separated… and I don't know if that's what I want yet." Alex's eyes glinted with excitement at this new gossip and she looked as if she wouldn't be able to wait a whole hour before getting the whole story. I tried to ignore her bounciness as we walked back to her room, avoiding the lounge where Gerard was bound to be.

.

We sat awkwardly for an hour trying to make conversation about things that _weren't_ Gerard – this meant that we mainly talked about Alex going on leave the next day. Her mum had texted her the night before to say that they were all going to spend the day at a theme park and Alex was very excited about this as she had never been to a theme park before. I told her about the time that I went to Disneyland and met all of the Disney princesses which made her extremely jealous. This led to an argument over who was the best Disney princess – Belle or Aurora. Needless to say, I was all for Princess Aurora!

.

Eventually, Jane left and we could talk about the whole situation.

"What the fuck happened then?" Alex asked as soon as Jane was out of earshot.

"I heard him crying in the middle of the night so I went over to see if he was okay, and he lay on my lap crying. I was enjoying it because… hey – it's hard to have no contact with anyone! But then he sat up and _kissed me_. He gave me no fucking warning… he just kissed me!" I ranted, gesticulating violently with my hands.

"How do you feel about it?" Alex asked, sounding like a psychiatrist.

"I don't know… at the moment I feel pretty angry. I just don't know how I feel! No one kisses someone after they've barely known them 24 hours. He didn't even know if I was straight or not – I could have punched the guy in the face! I don't know what I should do."

"So… are you straight?" she asked. It was such a simple question, yet it was enough to make me freeze and not want to answer. I decided that Alex could be trusted not to take the piss out of my for my sexuality.

"No… I'm gay but that's **not** the point. The point is that you can't go around kissing people you barely know! I genuinely have no idea what possessed him to do that."

"Maybe he likes you," Alex contemplated, smiling a little.

"Fuck off, Alex. You can't like someone after a day. I mean, I think Gerard's attractive and a nice person but I don't know if I _like_ him yet."

.

We decided that the best thing to do would be to talk to Gerard about it, but I refused to do it alone. At eleven o'clock we were forced out of Alex's room for break time where Alex had to drink her milk and eat her snack. I grabbed my drink and we both sidled over to Gerard who was sat on his own looking completely devastated.

"We'd like to talk to you," I mumbled, not making eye contact with him.

"We?" he asked, looking from me to Alex. "You mean you told Alex?"

"Of course I did," I scoffed. "I had to talk to someone about it otherwise I would have never spoken to you again. Anyway, after break we'll rendezvous in in our room to have a chat about this." Gerard nodded and I walked away, followed reluctantly by Alex.

"We can't leave him on his own again – he looks so sad!" Alex whined, pouting at me.

"We can leave him on his own because I have to sit down and talk with him later and I just can't stand to look at his face at the moment." I stormed off to sit in a chair in the corner and Alex just sighed at me. I knew I was being ridiculous… but I was fucking angry.

.

"So why did you do it?" I asked when we were sat down on the beds. Gerard didn't answer. "We've only got 10 minutes before someone comes to do your observation so you'd best explain it before that happens."

"I don't know why I did it."

"Not good enough Gerard," I growled, clenching my fists.

"Calm down, Frankie," Alex mumbled, touching my arm a little to try and comfort me.

"I don't know, okay? It just kind of happened… I wish I didn't do it now because I didn't know it was going to cause so much fucking drama. I was upset and you were there. I don't normally go around kissing straight guys so I hope you don't get all freaked out because of that."

"Oh for Christ's sake I'm not fucking straight, okay? But that doesn't make it okay that you kissed me. I don't understand you, Gerard," I said, sighing with exasperation.

"You're not straight?" Gerard's tone was suddenly a lot quieter.

"No… but don't kiss me again. I barely know you so it was fucking weird. Can we go back to being normal now?" I asked, having calmed down now.

"Yeah, I'd like that," he practically whispered.

"Okay, now you guys can hug," Alex pressed, smiling at us both. I scowled at her. "What? I'm not going to tell anyone." I looked at Gerard who extended his arms – I couldn't resist the contact. The embrace was short but it was enough to relax me significantly. I fucking hated the no contact rule.

.

Gerard and I sat together at lunch and talked about how Gerard's mum was bringing his posters the next day. We decided where we would put them and which bands he should get his mum to bring – mainly all of the metal bands we both liked. After eating, we played a few games on Wii Carnival together and then a game of monopoly that went on until half four – Gerard won. I tried to persuade him to go to relaxation therapy, but he just said there was no way he was giving up his chance of winning the game! Dinner passed quickly and then when we got our phones, we sent the list of posters to Gerard's mum. Alex called Ebony and got us both to say hello to her – she seemed like a super sweet girl. I called my mum to see how things were going at home, but she seemed reluctant to talk to me. She promised to visit me soon, but she also said there were problems at work and so it was difficult to get any time off.

.

Before going to bed I got changed in the bathroom because the kiss had made me very conscious of Gerard's eyes now. I shuffled back to the bedroom and got into bed, completely exhausted.

"Are we okay now?" Gerard mumbled through the dark when the lights had gone off.

"Yes… why?" I asked, wondering why Gerard was still dwelling on that point.

"I feel like I've fucked up."

"Well you haven't – I promise. It's all okay, just don't do it again, okay?"

"I can't help it," he whispered. I didn't think he had meant for me to hear him, so I ignored it and tried to go to sleep.

.

That night I dreamt of Gerard and I woke up in the middle of the night to hear him crying again. I didn't go over to him this time though because of the dream I'd just had. We kissed… again and again… on top of each other. I had woken up with sticky sheets – this was quite possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life.


	10. Chapter 10

Luckily, Gerard was not awake and so I managed to slip out of my bed and change my clothes, stowing my soiled pyjamas in the bottom of my wardrobe. I sighed with relief when I realised that Monday was the day where we changed our bed sheets. Suddenly, I felt a wave of embarrassment crash over me – I'd had a wet dream about _Gerard_ and just the day previous I had been saying how you can't like someone after 'one day.' I had never fallen so headlong into liking someone before and, to be honest, it was pretty scary. It was even worse that I had to live with Gerard for an indefinite amount of time. I spread my quilt over my bed again and lay on top of it, suddenly becoming cold due to the crisp, cool side of the bed sheets, pushing all thoughts of Gerard to the back of my mind.

.

The minute Gerard woke up I began tearing the sheets off my bed.

"It's washing day," I said brightly, smiling broadly at Gerard who just grimaced.

"Ok," he grunted, rubbing his eyes vigorously. He made another indistinguishable sound before collapsing back on the bed.

"Is your mum coming today with the posters?" Gerard visibly perked up a little.

"Yes! I can't wait. Have you got any visitors today?"

"I don't think so. My mum is only coming for the ward rounds, but she has to go straight back to work after," I said, stuffing all of my dirty clothes into my pillow case. Gerard looked at me sympathetically. "But it's okay. I hope that Alex has fun today."

"Oh, I forgot that she's on leave today! It's going to be a good thing for her, I think. Hopefully it will speed up her recovery… I know it cheers me up when I get to see my family."

.

After breakfast, Gerard and I headed for the school room. My school had sent me multiple essays to complete, but I was grateful for the work as it acted as a distraction from my life in the hospital. The hospital was a very mundane place with barely any mental stimulation, despite all of the bright coloured murals and poster. I got stuck into the English essay and once I had finished, I began to read the book that they had sent. It was an interesting book, but a little bit predictable – I could see how it would end from the first chapter.

"What are you doing?" I asked Gerard, looking over at his work space.

"Art work," he mumbled, not lifting his eyes from the paper.

"Do you want me to shut up so you can concentrate?" He nodded and I turned back to my book, scanning the pages quickly but taking in most of the information.

.

Eventually, Mrs Taylor announced that it was time for our break, and then we would have our ward rounds. The lounge was quiet without Alex, and Gerard wasn't talking to me properly.

"Are you okay?" He nodded. "Are you sure? You don't seem too good…"

"I'm just getting myself in the zone to tell them how I 'feel' and then give them a load of bullshit about wanting to get better. Molly said that they're already happy with me because I've been good as gold and I've gone to people when I've felt 'upset'… hopefully I can try and get my discharge pushed forward to next week."

"I thought you were sectioned?" I asked, confused as to how he would get out so soon.

"Yes – why?"

"Well I thought that you had to stay in for twenty eight days minimum…"

"That's how long I'm meant to be in here for, but hopefully I can get taken off my section if I recover enough. I'm hoping to be out before next Sunday." My heart plummeted. I would be so upset if Gerard left before me, especially now that we had started getting close.

"Oh," I said softly. "Ok."

.

I was called into the meeting room before Gerard, who wished me good luck and watched me walk away. The room was full of people, and it was quite unnerving. My mum, Molly, Chloe and Simon were seated in the room, accompanied by an unfamiliar face… and then I saw the one person I did not want to be in there.

_Doctor Fucking Jones._

"Good morning, Frank," Molly said, motioning me to take a seat. I glared at Doctor Jones before sitting in the nearest chair I could find.

"Hello, Frank. You may recognise me from being on the ward a few times, but I'll introduce myself anyway – I'm Doctor Cooper, the main doctor here at Orchard House." He seemed like a friendly enough man, so I allowed him to carry on talking. "How were your first few days here?"

"Alright," I said, folding my arms across my chest.

"Well we'll be able to talk about that in a short while. In these sessions, Frank, we talk about any changes you would like to make to your care, what happened in the week previous and what is going to happen in the forthcoming week. So first, Molly is going to read out the records from this week." I shifted in my seat a little.

.

"Frank's behaviour has been typically good since he got here. We've had barely any problems with him, and he seems to be getting on with the other patients very well too. He has made a very strong bond to one of our female patients, and is also connecting well with his roommate Gerard. His eating has been normal, although we were assured that it wasn't a problem, and he is taking well to out therapy stations. However, there was one thing that happened this week that we need to talk about, but I would like to let Simon present this issue, if that's okay with you, Frank?" I froze – I was unsure of how my mother would react to what had happened. Eventually I managed to nod stiffly.

"Well," Simon said, clearing his throat. "An issue arose in the relaxation therapy room that resulted in Frank lashing out quite violently." A look of shock appeared on mum's face. "He managed to scare another patient and injure Molly, which resulted in him being placed in the Low Stimulus Unit."

"Do you know what caused him to have this breakdown?" My mum said. I closed my eyes and tried to tune out Simon's voice when he next spoke.

"He found out that the artist who painted the walls in the relaxation therapy room was his father, and he reacted badly to finding out some of the things that his father had said about him. I was obviously oblivious to the relationship, and if we had known we wouldn't have subjected Frank to that emotional situation." I opened my eyes and saw that my mum was looking at me sympathetically.

"Now, Frank," Chloe started, clicking her pen into action. "How do you think you have been after that incident?"

.

I began to panic, not knowing what to say. Finally, I recalled upon the information that Gerard had given me and put it into practice.

"Well, it was hard to hear the information… but I felt a lot better after having talked to Chloe and having been in the LSU. Afterwards, I have felt moments of slight stress, but it's nothing I can't handle." Chloe smiled and wrote a little more. "I find this to be a very calm environment."

"Good," Chloe purred, looking at me and smiling. "We were telling your mother and Doctor Jones about how well you had settled in here. We're all very happy with how you handled the transition."

"Thank you."

"Is there anything else you would like to add?" Doctor Cooper asked. I shook my head. "Good. How do you feel about the support that you are receiving here, Frank?"

"It's good," I answered, shortly.

"You don't just have to say that to save our feelings, Frank," Doctor Cooper said, letting out a low chuckle. Are you sure you're happy with it?"

"I mean it – I've very happy with it."

"Good. How about the therapies? Do you feel that they are helping?"

"I liked the relaxation therapy, but I doubt that I will be able to go in there again… it's a bit too much for me."

"That's fine, Frank. Hopefully this week you will have the chance to try out art therapy. Also, maybe your problems with the relaxation therapy room could be something you can talk about in your one to one sessions with Chloe." I nodded even though I had no intention of doing so.

.

The discussion continued for another 5 minutes, and it was decided that medication would not be necessary and that I would be having a day of leave on the Thursday. I got to spend 5 minutes with my mum, who promised to bring grandma to see me as soon as she could get some time off work.

"How did it go?" Gerard asked when I returned to the lounge.

"Really well, actually." I replied. "I have some leave on Thursday, so I can bring some of my posters back with me."

"That reminds me – my mum brought the posters and I put them in our room. I have to go in for my discussion in a minute, so do you want to start putting them up?"

"Sure!" I replied with gusto. "How many are there and where should I put them?" Gerard laughed.

"There's fucking loads, Frank. There's enough to cover one of the shorter walls. I don't think my mum sorted through them though, so you'll probably have to take some out that swear – they'll probably make room for your posters."

"Awesome! Well… good luck?" I said, leaning forward a little to hug him but then realising I shouldn't.

"Later?" Gerard asked, sensing my disappointment. I nodded and smiled before heading towards out room.

.

Gerard's poster collection was quite extensive; there were bands such as Iron Maiden, Black Flag and The Misfits, as well as some obscure bands that I had never heard of. I sang as I absentmindedly stuck the posters to the wall like a jigsaw puzzle. I removed a lot of posters with 'fuck' and 'shit' written on them, but there were still enough posters to fill three quarters of the wall. I was just coming to the end of Number Of The Beast when Chloe walked in.

"You sing very well, Frank," she said, making me jump.

"Thanks," I muttered, flushing red.

"I'm just here to do your observation. How are you feeling?"

"Fine. Seriously. I'm just a little tired."

"Ok, well someone will be back in fifteen minutes and then it will be almost time for lunch. See you later."

"See you," I replied, turning back to the wall and sticking the last poster up. I stood back and admired my work.

"It's pretty," a voice whispered in my ear. I jumped a foot in the air and swung around to be face to face with Gerard.

"You scared the shit out of me," I exclaimed, pushing his chest so he stumbled back a little, smiling at me.

.

"How was it?" I asked.

"Really fucking good," he responded, smirking. "They bought everything that I told them. They're thinking about putting me on medication, but I won't take it – I'll just hide it or something. But it should help me to get out early if they think that it's working for me." It saddened me that Gerard had to pretend to be better. If he concentrated half as much on a real recovery as he did on acting, he could probably get better very quickly.

"I hope you get better." Gerard didn't reply. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my head into his chest. He rubbed my back comfortingly a little.

"I miss contact," he mumbled into my hair.

"Me too…"

"At least we can do this when nobody is around. It kind of solves the problem."

"We could really do anything when we're not being observed," I whispered. Gerard didn't reply so I assumed he didn't hear me.

"Like what?" he eventually asked. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest.

"Like what happened the other night. But this time I won't freak out." Gerard hummed softly and tilted my head up to look into his eyes, rubbing his thumb over my cheek. He kissed my forehead and I furrowed my brow, a little disappointed.

"I don't think we should risk it," he breathed, breath hot on my face.

"I like risks… it's what makes life fun. Feel my heart, Gerard." I placed his hand on my chest. "That fluttering is a reaction to taking a risk. It makes me feel alive and it fills me with hope for the future."

"Well in that case… if it's going to help…" Gerard trailed off and tentatively touched my nose with his own. I reached up and kissed him, savouring every second that our lips were together.

"Yeah…" I said, letting out a shuddery breath. "I miss contact."


	11. Chapter 11

The next few days passed uneventfully. When Alex returned from her leave she was positively glowing with happiness. She had taken photos from her day and had them developed straight away so that she could stick them to her wall – Gerard and I spent most of Tuesday helping her to put them up. Gerard was called into a meeting with the doctor on the Wednesday in order to prescribe him medication. Doctor Cooper put Gerard on Prozac, but I could see that there was no point. When Gerard was given the pill he simply stored it in his mouth in a seemingly practiced way and then hid it in one of his socks when he got back to the room. I hated how Gerard would boast about how the staff were buying his façade and how he would be let out soon… I just wanted him to get better.

.

I found myself spending more of my time watching Gerard than concentrating on anything I did in that place… especially in school time. Gerard dedicated all of his time to art, barely doing an hour of his other subjects combined per week. I loved to watch him draw. He always looked so immersed in his work, as if he was in another world. I envied his ability to escape from this place, as I could never do it. No matter how creative I felt, the bright walls of the dreary building still lay within my vision. However, unlike Gerard, I felt like I was genuinely getting better. Whenever he was forced to stop doing his art work I could see the light fade from his eyes as he was dragged back to harsh reality, and that's when he began to act. Each day he would come back from his one-to-ones or his ward round meeting boasting about how proud they were of him and how much he was progressing. They didn't see the Gerard that I did. They didn't see the Gerard that cried every night, or the Gerard that talked about how he was going to end his life when he got out of here… and that hurt me. Every day I tried to bring myself to tell someone about hoe Gerard was feeling, but every day I wimped out. I couldn't bring myself to hurt Gerard in that way. I knew that if he went behind my back and betrayed me in that way I would never be able to forgive him.

.

Another reason why I couldn't risk losing Gerard as a friend was for our late night talks. It was becoming increasingly easy to talk to Gerard about anything that I was worried about. Gerard was far more experienced than me in feeling suicidal and bore far more scars than I did, so he could always offer some kind of advice. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't go to Chloe to talk about things, as it could jeopardise my chances of getting an early release, so Gerard was an awesome alternative.

.

I woke up on Thursday morning filled with excitement for the day. Leaving Gerard asleep, I practically ran to the dining room to get some breakfast as my mother was coming to pick me up at 8 o'clock to take me home. I was so happy to have this day of leave, not just so I could get away from Orchard House for a while, but so that I could see my Grandma. I had thought of her every day, counting down the seconds until I could see her again. I could tell her all about Gerard and Alex and how quickly I was getting better. I felt bad for leaving Gerard though, but I knew Alex would take good care of him while I was gone.

.

Gerard rolled out of bed at five minutes to eight, and I had just enough time to accost him in our room to give him a hug without anyone seeing.

"I'll be back just after six, so I'll be able to tell you everything that happened later," I gushed, pulling on my hoodie over my jumper and grabbing my diary. Gerard just grumbled at me and made an attempt to pat his hair into place.

"Don't forget your posters," Gerard shouted after me as I ran down the corridor.

"I won't!" I called back.

"Woah!" Alex yelled at me as I flew past her in the corridor. "Less of the running!" I back tracked and quickly hugged her before running off again.

"I have leave today! I need to get back to reception so my mum can pick me up!"

.

My mum arrived at exactly 8 o'clock. Jane signed me out immediately and I bounced out of the place, so excited to have a sense of freedom again.

"How are you going?" my mum asked once we were driving. She was looking at me like I was going to break.

"Really good," I grinned – and for once I meant it. "All the better for getting away from that place." My mum smiled and turned her attention back to the road. "So what's the plan for today?"

"Well you said you wanted to go home to pick up some posters, so I thought we could go there first. Then your Grandma is cooking dinner for us so we'll go over there." My face lit up the minute my Grandma was mentioned and my mum just beamed at me, obviously happy that her son was happy. "Finally, I thought that I could take you shopping, because you need some more long-sleeved jumpers if you're staying at Orchard House. Does that sound good to you, Frankie?"

"It sounds amazing!" I exclaimed back, watching the scene outside the window fly by.

.

It was odd walking into my room. It was clean for once – my mother had obviously sorted through all my junk while I was away. I stared blankly around my room… it wasn't how I remembered it at all. I remembered my room as messy and dark, and I remembered how it was when I was in there. I could practically feel the drag of the metal blade on my skin as I stood there… feel the blood on my arm. A sudden panic set in and I felt my heart drop as I realised my mum had probably found my razors. I rushed to my chest of draws and began rifling through it violently, throwing all of my clothes onto my bed. The box wasn't there. I looked up to see my mum stood at the door way.

"I thought you were getting better," she said quietly, her lips pressed tight together.

"I thought I was." I mumbled, putting all of my clothes back in the draw untidily.

"Grab your posters and we'll go to see your grandma," she said before heading back downstairs. I watched her leave before turning round and kneeling beside my bed. I lifted up the mattress and reached in between the springs – emergency razor. The urge to cut was so strong but I supressed it. I knew my mother could walk in at any point, and it wasn't worth the risk, so I put it into my jeans pocket, grabbed my posters and walked out of the room like nothing else ever happened.

.

We pulled up outside my grandma's house and I suddenly felt a sense of dread. I didn't know how my grandma would react as I hadn't seen her since the day before my last suicide attempt. However, I was too fucking excited to see her to let it bring me down for too long. I practically ran up the path, knocking briefly on the door before letting myself in.

"Hey, Grandma!" I shouted, walking into the house and taking my shoes of.

"Frankie? Is that you?" A voice called from the living room. My face lit up just from hearing my Grandma's voice.

"Yes, Grandma!" I walked into the living room just as my Grandma was standing up from her chair by the window. I went straight over to her and embraced her in a hug, breathing in her soft, perfumed smell… I missed this. "How're you doing?"

"I think it should be me asking you that, Frankie. How's it going in the hospital?" she asked, inviting me to sit down. My mother entered at that point and exchanged hellos with my grandma.

"It's going fine. I've made two brilliant friends and it's nice to be in a stress free environment. My doctors have said I'm doing very well and they don't need to put me on medication or anything… hopefully they'll be letting me out soon."

"Nothing is confirmed though," my mother interjected. "They haven't provided him with a discharge date."

"But it will be soon!" I insisted.

"Please let's not do this here, Frankie," my grandma said. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

.

I almost started crying during our meal. Everything just seemed perfect again. My grandma was happy, my mum was happy and even I was pretty happy. No one really had much to talk about though as grandma lived alone and my mum was at work all the time, except for me. I talked endlessly about Alex and Gerard, telling them every single good thing we had done together… except for mine and Gerard's personal stuff. I wished that I could just talk about him because it was _bursting _to get out of me, but I knew my mum wouldn't approve of me falling for a guy who was more ill than me. So I kept it inside me and just tried to enjoy the family environment.

.

Leaving was fucking hard. Again I had to try and keep my tears in once more, but I just couldn't help shed a few when I hugged my grandma goodbye.

"I'm going to come back and visit you as soon as possible, grandma," I sniffed, giving her a shaky smile.

"Don't worry about me, Frankie. I'll be here for a long time. You just focus on getting yourself better, okay?" I nodded and hugged her again before getting into the car and driving off. My mum took me shopping and the longer I was there, the more depressed I became as I knew I would be returning to the fucking hospital. I trailed around the department store, dragging my feet with my hands shoved deep into my pockets. I kept a grasp on my razor, terrified I was going to lose it. I felt a lot safer with it in my possession… I felt like nothing bad could possibly happen.

.

Eventually we got back into the car and began the sombre drive back to Orchard House.

"Did you enjoy your day, Frank?" My mum asked after a few minutes of awkward silence.

"It was amazing, mum. Thank you for taking me to go see grandma."

"It's no problem, sweetie. She was desperate to see you," my mum said, seeming rather distant.

"What's up, mum?" I asked. There was silence for a couple more minutes before my mum dropped a bombshell.

"Your grandma was diagnosed with cancer a couple of days ago." I froze in my seat, my mouth hanging open in complete and utter disbelief. I managed to get my head around it and almost spoke before I realised that the person I loved most in my life could _die_ any time soon.

"Is she getting treatment?"

"Yes."

"How bad is it?"

"We're not sure yet."

"What do you mean 'we're not sure'… you must have _some _idea!" I exclaimed, desperate for information.

"They've found the tumour very late and it's already began to spread. The doctors aren't sure whether they can stop it or not."

"Is she going to die?"

"I'm going to be honest with you, Frank, because you're a man now. We're not sure. Apparently the chances are very low for her living to her expected lifespan. But that doesn't mean she won't."

.

My mum wanted to speak to one of the nurses when we got back to Orchard House, so I just drifted down the corridor to my room. I felt fucking lifeless. Gerard was already in our room, waiting for me.

"How was it?" He asked, beaming at me. The smile soon dropped from his face when he saw my expression. "What's wrong, Frankie? What happened?"

"My grandma just got diagnosed with cancer," I managed to croak out before busting into floods of tears. Gerard pulled me into a hug, not hesitating at all. He stroked my back and kissed the top of my head trying to calm me down.

"It's okay, sweetie," he murmured against my hair. "It's all going to be okay."

"Do you promise?" I asked. It was a stupid thing to say because no one could possibly promise that.

"I promise," he replied… and I honestly believed him.


	12. Chapter 12

The next two weeks dragged past. I was regressing back into bad habits, scratching my hands to pieces whenever I got nervous and my communication skills were deteriorating… it was even getting hard to talk to Gerard. I had two more days of leave, both of which I spent with my Grandma. She was looking worse and worse every time I saw her – she had lost weight so quickly that she just looked like a skeleton. At Orchard House, I was plagued with thoughts of my grandma, and haunted by nightmares that involved her dying that often ended up in Gerard shaking me awake because I was screaming. Gerard was so good to me at this time - he would cuddle me close and kiss the top of my head whilst singing to me softly until I fell asleep again.

.

Unlike me, Gerard was making '_progress_.' However, he no longer boasted to Alex and I about how he would soon be let out as he knew that I was suffering. Gerard was still refusing to take his medication, but because he was feigning mental well-being it was never questioned. The doctors had begun to talk about putting me on medication as I slipped further and further into my depression, and I wasn't against it… I would have given anything to make the pain go away. However, I still never touched the razor that I had brought home from leave that time.

.

Alex was also doing well and was on a swift road to recovery. She was practically spending more time on leave than she was in the hospital. Her weight was going up and so was her mood – this was mostly due to the amount of time she was spending with her sister. I was glad for her, but selfishly I wasn't happy. I knew that if Alex and Gerard got discharged, I would be all alone and that would do nothing for my recovery process. In fact, it would probably push me over the edge.

.

"Frankie?" Gerard mumbled to me through the darkness one night. I didn't reply, because I was trying not to cry. "Frankie I know you're awake. I want to talk."

"I don't want to," I replied sharply, immediately regretting speaking like that to Gerard.

"I know you don't… but I'm really worried about you… Alex is too. We don't know what to do, Frank. We can't make your grandma get better, but neither will you being upset." I remained silent. I heard Gerard clamber out of his bed and felt him sit on the edge of mine. I tucked my knees up so that Gerard could sit on the bed properly. "We're so worried about you, Frankie, and we just want you to get better. It makes me so sad when you're sad. I just wish I could make everything magically better, and then you and It can get out of this place. We could find a place of our own and live together forever. Frankie… I don't know what you want me to do."

.

"Kiss me," I breathed, and Gerard didn't have to be told twice. He leaned forward quickly and harshly pressed his lips to mine. I opened my mouth immediately and entwined my fingers in his matted hair. We explored each other's mouths for a while before I removed my hand from his hair and pulled him closer by the collar of his pyjama top. He gently eased me backwards until I was lying down with him on top of me, his body oozing heat that was seeping into my every pore. I accidently let out a moan that came from deep down in my throat and my cheeks went bright red with embarrassment – it was lucky the room was pitch-black. I felt Gerard smile against my mouth, so broadly that out teeth clashed for a second. I could also feel Gerard's hand running up my leg, his fingers eventually hooking themselves into my pyjama bottoms. I breathed out heavily and took the initiative to reciprocate some kind of touch. I tugged at the hem of his top and he broke the kiss a second to let me quickly tug it over his head. As I threw it to the floor, his head bent down and he began to suck on my collar bone, leaving what I imagined to be a large, red mark. I groaned again, supressing it so only Gerard could hear.

.

Suddenly, Gerard sat back on his heels, his legs either side of my hips – I could feel through the material that he was already beginning to get hard… and if I could feel him, he could feel me.

"Frankie, is this okay?" he asked, beginning to rock gently on top of my crotch. I was lost for words for a moment, but I managed to breath out a '_Y-yeah' _before Gerard's hips started grinding quicker. "C-Can I?" Gerard panted, putting his hands on the waist band of my pyjamas. I nodded before realising Gerard couldn't see me.

"Sure." He shimmied my pyjamas down so they were at my knees before cautiously running his hands back up my thighs to my crotch. The minute his hand came into contact with my dick I groaned, long and relatively loud. Gerard giggled a little.

"Shush, Frankie. Put a pillow over your mouth or something – we'll get in so much trouble if someone comes to investigate which patient is moaning in the night." I complied, grabbing a pillow and holding it tightly to my mouth whilst Gerard's hand picked up speed. I felt as if I was dreaming… as if I was on another planet. All thoughts of anything negative had vanished from my mind and I focussed on the feeling of Gerard's hand on my dick… it felt so fucking good – so much better than any of the wet dreams that I had had. My mind went all cloudy and my eyes began to shut as I came close and close to climaxing, and then, with a fucking loud groan into the pillow, I came all over Gerard's hand and my own stomach.

.

I moved my pillow and sat up straight, dragging Gerard in for a kiss whilst simultaneously placing my hand inside his pyjamas, feeling that he was still extremely hard. I knew it wouldn't take long to get him off, due to the amount of pre-cum already leaking from his slit. Gerard's lip movements became slow and erratic as his whole body tensed up before he came into my hand, moaning quietly into my mouth.

.

"Are you okay, Frankie?" Gerard mumbled, collapsing onto my bed next to me. He lay beside me, facing me, and rested his hand on my neck whilst stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"Okay would be an understatement," I breathed, snuggling into Gerard's chest. "Are you on leave tomorrow?" I asked, my mind clouded with euphoria and sleep.

"I'm on leave, but Alex is still here and she's promised she's going to look after you."

"I don't need looking after, Gerard. I'm not gonna do anything," I mumbled in disagreement, furrowing my brow in annoyance.

"I know, honey. I just mean she's going to be there if you want to talk about anything."

"Okay." I yawned and stretched out my legs. "I need to wipe my stomach and you should get in your bed before someone comes and checks on us and you're in my bed." Gerard moaned but kissed me before crawling out of bed. I reached into my bedside cupboard and took out a pair of socks, wiping myself down with them before putting them back in the draw. I could hear Gerard rummaging around for clean pyjamas on his side of the room, but the minute my head hit the pillow again I fell asleep.

.

When I woke up, Gerard was gone and it was almost half past 8. I jumped out of bed and threw on some clothes before sprinting down the corridors to get some breakfast. Alex was just finishing her last mouthful as I sat down at mine and Gerard's table. I shovelled my cereal into my mouth as quick as possible, wanting to tell Alex everything that happened last night. However, I realised that Alex would be being trailed around by Jane for another hour, so I decided to go and take a lengthy shower.

.

I strolled down the corridor back to my room, still drying the last bits of moisture from my hair with my towel. As I walked into the room, I checked the clock – 9:35am. This meant that Alex wouldn't be being observed any more, and we had about 20 minutes until we both had to head off to school. I found Alex in the lounge, chatting to Kai, but it looked a little strained and awkward. She glanced over in my direction and I gestured enthusiastically for her to follow me out into the corridor – she got up immediately and followed me to my room.

.

"What's up?" she asked. "You look like you're in a good mood for once."

"Gerard and I… last night… we…" I couldn't seem to find words to explain what had happened without sounding extremely vulgar.

"Oh… my… god… Did you fuck him?" Alex asked sitting up straight on the bed and looking at me, eyes wide with excitement.

"No, Alex! I'm not a whore! No, we just…"

"So he gave you a hand job then," she said, slouching back down a little. I felt my whole face flush red, the colour spreading to the tips of my eyes as well. Alex began to giggle. "That's so cute! I don't think we've ever had anyone in here that's done stuff like that. How did you avoid the night checks?"

"I don't know. We just had good timing. Oh gosh, Alex. What do I do now? I haven't seen him this morning obviously, so I don't know if it's awkward or normal or what!"

"You look so much happier though." I stopped when she said that and thought. All morning I hadn't even thought of my Grandma and I hadn't had any nightmares last night… that was so odd.

"You're right. I am happy. But Gerard is going to be gone soon… and so are you. What am I meant to do then?" I asked, changing the subject.

"We might be out of Hospital, Frank, but we're not going to be gone. You can text us and call us and we can meet up and go out together. We can have all sorts of awesome outings together when we're all out. And what makes you think you're not going to get out soon anyway? I think we'll all be out by the end of the month and then we can start afresh. What do you think?"

"I really hope that's true," I breathed, my eyes welling up with tears. "It sounds perfect."

"Well anyway, we have school soon, so we need to get off now. I can't wait to find out what goes on with you and Gerard tonight."

"Oh shut up," I said, pushing her playfully before getting up and heading down the corridor to the classroom.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** : I'm sorry I haven't updated in SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long... but I hope this makes up for it ;D - Emily xox


	13. Chapter 13

"Did you have fun on leave?" I asked Gerard the minute he walked through the door. I looked over his shoulder and saw that his mum was speaking to Janet, who was on reception today.

"Yeah, I guess. It was good to see my family. How have you been coping today?" He asked. Something seemed wrong with Gerard, he seemed blunter than normal and I wondered if it was anything to do with last night. I thought about how to answer this question – I had been on such a high this morning after our encounter last night, but my mood had slowly dropped throughout the day. I knew the feeling of happiness wouldn't last for long, and I knew my lows were always far worse after an extreme high.

"I'm good. Today has been a good day," I decided on, forcing a smile. Gerard grinned back at me, all tension seeming to dissolve.

"I'm glad to hear it. I'll give you a proper hello when we get back to our room," he said, flashing me a cheeky grin. I began to blush again. "But I have a meeting with Shane and Molly right now… and a load of other people. Sounds like shit's going down with all the people involved." He laughed nervously.

"Okay then, well good luck. I'll see you later," I mumbled, brushing my hand against his. He smiled again and walked away to join his mum.

.

I sloped back to my room and didn't even look at Alex when she called my name. My mood had suddenly crashed to rock bottom with no trigger whatsoever. I thought that I should have been feeling something, anything other than this painful numbness.

"Frankie, wait up," Alex shouted, following me to my room. I shut my door in her face and slumped down to the floor. "Frank, let me in, please?"

"No." I said clearly, no emotion in my voice whatsoever. I closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears, pressing my head so hard I thought I might crush my own skull. I could still hear Alex talking to me, but I wasn't hearing anything she said. "Just go away, Alex. I don't want to talk to anyone right now." There was silence from outside the door, and I guessed that she had left.

.

I stood up and stormed over my bed, lifting up the mattress and taking out the blade that was still so new and shiny… almost harmless looking. I pressed it to my skin and felt the tension. It felt so fucking good. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, praying for the courage to push down so hard that I would bleed to death. That courage didn't come, and instead I loosened up my grip on the blade. I pressed down lightly and watched as the tiny droplets of blood slowly oozed from the minute cut… the relief was almost unbearably good. I did it again, my strokes becoming more violent and the cuts becoming deeper. I dropped the razor to the floor, leaving a small blood stain where it hit the carpet. I stared down at my arms, fascinated by how the red liquid ran down my arms and dripped onto my jeans. Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. I put my hands over my ears again, let out a piercing screech and dropped to the floor, visions of everything negative flashing through my head. It was so painful that I could barely even breathe, until I blacked out.

.

I woke up in the nurse's office, lying on the uncomfortable bed with bandaged arms and a banging headache. I sat up a little just as the nurse turned around from her desk.

"Oh, Frank, you're awake. If you're wondering why you're here, you had a form of panic attack and blacked out, caused by the fact that you cut your wrists. Alex heard you shout and she found you, and instantly sought out some help. You're going to be kept under observation until you've had a talk with Chloe in the morning, which means you will be staying in here and not going back to your room. Is that okay?" I rubbed my eyes and nodded, still dazed by my situation. "You are also being put on medication effective immediately. Oh, and Gerard has been worrying about you so we will let you see him for a small while later when you've gathered yourself. But it's eight o'clock now so he will not be able to stay for long."

"I'm fine. Can I see Gerard now, please?"

"I'm afraid not, you can wait another ten minutes before I will even consider letting you speak to anyone," the nurse responded. I frowned and lay back down, closing my eyes and crossing my arms across my chest.

.

"That was quite possibly the stupidest thing I've seen you do," said a voice from beside my bed. It was Gerard.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled softly. Gerard looked behind him and put his hand on my cheek when he saw the nurse wasn't looking.

"No, I'm sorry… if I had been there I could have stopped you."

"No, Gee. It's hardly your fault. You had a meeting… how did it go anyway?" I said

"It was fine," he replied, simply. I looked at him expectantly, wanting a deeper explanation. "Um… they think I'm making remarkable progress and they think it's mainly the work of the medication. They think if I carry on at this rate and have no major incidents before next Friday, they can let me go home." I stared at Gerard and just blinked for a while before realising how ignorant I looked.

"That's great, Gee," I croaked, a lump forming in my throat. "I'm so happy for you." I forced a smile and tried to make it look as real as possible. I could see actual happiness in Gerard's eyes, and it made my heart swell a little. "But I'm really tired so I want to go to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow?" He nodded. "I love you."

"I love you too," he whispered, so we weren't overheard. "Get some sleep sweetheart." I smiled again and waited until he left before I let my tears break free of my eyelashes.

.

I was going to be alone. Well, I wasn't… Alex was still going to be here… but Gerard would be gone, and that scared me. Gerard was not better. Gerard was nowhere near better. Gerard was lying through his teeth so he could get what he wanted, and that made me angry. What would happen if Gerard did leave? He could get worse and worse until he did something stupid… and then I may never see him again even if I did get out of this place as well. I wiped my tears away and rolled over to face the wall, attempting to get some sleep.

.

"Wake up, Frank." I opened my eyes and saw Chloe sat in the chair next to the bed. "You're the only person I've ever seen sleep so well in this bed… it's so uncomfortable!" I nodded, sitting up and moving around, trying to loosen up my stuff muscles – it was fucking uncomfortable. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"A lot better than yesterday," I replied, feeling the familiar throbbing in my arms that I had missed so much. "I didn't mean to do it, you know."

"I know, Frank," she replied, smiling at me sympathetically, and unlike when Doctor Jones looked at me like that, I believed that she believed me. "So… do you want to talk about what happened?"

"I'm not really sure myself. I was in such a good mood yesterday morning, and then whenever I have a good spell I always crash into a low… it's just always happened ever since I can remember."

"Why were you in such a good mood?" I froze, but was saved by the nurse handing me a tablet and a cup of water. I swallowed the capsule reluctantly.

"I had a really good dream for once, and the fact that I didn't have a nightmare just boosted my mood," I said confidently, smiling inwardly at myself.

"That's good, Frank. Have you found that the nightmares have been less frequent?"

"Yeah, I guess." I hadn't really thought about it before, but now that I did they did seem to happen a lot less. "I hadn't really noticed."

"That's a sign you're getting better," she said, smiling at me. "But what happened yesterday that you're also not quite there yet. We're putting you on fluoxetine and we're hoping that this will help a little bit with your depression and that it will give you the final push on the road to recovery. We also think that you sharing a room with Gerard will do you good because he's improving incredibly quickly, and we've seen how his good moods rub off on you, Frank." I suppressed a smile. "So we hope we can just keep you on the right track. Well… that's all I have to say to you Frank. You can go get some breakfast now. Gerard and Alex will want to talk to you." I smiled.

"Thanks, Chloe," I said, standing up, pulling my jacket on and walking out into the corridor down to the dining room.

.

Gerard was sat at our table, where I assumed he would be. As I entered the room, he looked up and grinned widely at me, and I couldn't help but smile back. I grabbed some breakfast as quickly as possible and scuttled over to him.

"Hey, Frankie… I was lonely last night," Gerard said, pouting at me. I laughed at him.

"So was I. Look, Gee, I'm really sorry."

"You don't have to apologise sweetheart," he said. "When you finish your breakfast we're going back to our room and I'm going to give you the biggest hug ever. Have they upped your observations?"

"Yeah… every 10 minutes," I replied.

"That's so weird… it's like we've swapped, because I'm on 30 now." I nodded, too busy shovelling my food down my throat so we could go back to our room quicker.

"What about Alex?" I mumbled through a mouth full of cereal. "Is she mad at me?"

"Of course not," Gerard exclaimed. "She'll come see us when she's finished being observed. You finished?" I put the last spoonful in my mouth and stood up before I'd even swallowed, causing Gerard to smile at me. "You missed me that much?"

"You don't even understand how much," I said in response.

.

When we got back to our room, Gerard put his arms tightly around me, and I wrapped mine around his waist.

"I was so worried last night, Frankie," he whispered into the top of my head. "Are you really okay?"

"I think I am… It was just a slip up. I think I'm okay," I mumbled into Gerard's chest. He released me and put his finger under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him.

"Do you promise me?"

"I promise," I breathed, before Gerard placed his lips on mine in a passionate kiss.

"Am I interrupting anything?" sounded a voice from the doorway. Gerard and I shot apart, completely startled, but it was only Alex, who began to laugh. "You should fucking see the looks on your faces."

"Not funny, Alex!" Gerard exclaimed. "Seriously thought I was going to get crucified by on the of the staff just then." Alex began to laugh even harder, and it was contagious.

"I'm sorry, Alex," I said, apologising again. I walked across to her and hugged her tight. "I'm really really sorry."

"Frankie, it's fine. I just want you to be okay, okay?" I smiled at her.

"You guys are so good to me… I'm so glad I have friends like you," I said, grabbing Gerard's arm and pulling him into a group hug. "I love you guys so much."


	14. Chapter 14

Gerard's 'remarkable' progress continued and there was more and more talk about is discharge. Eventually, a date was set – the following Friday, just as Gerard had said that evening in the nurse's office. Naturally, I found it hard trying to come to terms with the idea that Gerard would no longer be there for me.

"We'll text all the time and you can come visit me when you're on leave. You know I'd come and visit you here every day if it was allowed," Gerard whispered to me on the Thursday night when we were both cuddled up in my bed. "My dad bought me my own apartment, and he decorated it with the help of my brother. They've said that it is exactly my taste… maybe you could come over one night when you're on leave?"

"Will you really let me?" I asked, burrowing my head into the crook of his neck. I breathed in his soft smell and balled my hand up, clutching his top – I never wanted this moment to end. It was absolute perfection, lying so quietly with someone who meant the world to me…. I had never experienced this before. It was almost breath taking.

"Of course. A house isn't a home until you've fucked your boyfriend in it." I laughed at his bluntness.

"I'm going to miss you, Gee," I whispered, starting to tear up again. I had been teary all week, and I knew I would still be teary when he left.

"You won't miss me more than I'm going to miss you. At least you've got Alex here… I'm going to be all on my own in a big, lonely, apartment with a double bed and no one else to sleep in it."

"Are you going to be okay on your own, Gerard?" I asked seriously. It had only just occurred to me that they were letting a suicidal self-harmer live on his own – how crazy was that.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Don't bullshit me, Gerard. Promise me you're not going to kill yourself or do something stupid like that."

"Only if you promise as well."

"I promise," I said.

"Well I promise too then."

.

In the morning I woke up and Gerard wasn't in his bed. I scrambled out of bed and raced down the corridor in my pyjamas, ignoring the fact that my arms were on show and I should be covering them. I ran around the corner too fast and slid into the dining room, falling flat on my face. I looked up and saw Gerard sat at our table, doubled over with laughter. I stood up, face bright red, and walked over to Gerard, ignoring the laughter from the other patients.

"I thought you had left without saying goodbye, asshole!" I said to him, slamming my palm on the table. Gerard couldn't even answer as he was laughing too hard. I look around and saw Alex was laughing just as hard. I smoothed myself down and stood up straight. "Well, I am going to go and get dressed, and you had better still be here when I get back," I said in what I hoped was a menacing tone, but Gerard just kept laughing as I left the room

.

After having changed into suitable clothes, I walked back to the dining room a lot more carefully than I had before. Gerard was still sat at our table, toying with his food and not looking like he had eaten much. I grabbed some cereal as quick as possible and sat down with Gerard, who had stopped laughing.

"Hey there glum chum," I said brightly, trying to clear the moody atmosphere. "What's up?"

"Now that I have freedom coming, I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you Frankie. It's going to be too hard on my own," he said, his voice cracking a little. I could see the pain in his eyes.

"Gerard, you are a strong guy, and you remember our promise last night?" he nodded. "Well then you can't do anything bad, or that means I can drop my end of the bargain too. Anyway, I need to come and visit you in your new appointment… where we won't be supervised." Gerard smirked.

"Well I definitely wouldn't want to miss out on that, would I," he whispered, wrapping his leg around mine under the table. "Can we go say goodbye properly? I'm leaving in about fifteen minutes."

"Is that all we have left together?" I asked, feeling my stomach drop to the floor.

"I'm afraid so. Come on, let's go," Gerard said, shoving his half full cereal bowl away from him and standing up. I crammed a few spoonfuls into my mouth before getting up and following him back to our room.

.

The minute I closed the door to our room I was pinned up against it, Gerard's mouth on mine instantaneously. I put my arms around his neck and drew him closer, kissing him passionately. I could feel his tears on my face and they mixed with mine – a concoction of sorrow. Gerard broke away and pressed his brow against mine, staring straight into my eyes.

"Frankie I don't want to leave," he whispered, lip quivering.

"You have to," I replied, placing one of my hands on his cheek, stroking along his cheekbone lovingly. "You can go and be happy and free. I promise I'll get better as quickly as possible so we can be together outside of here."

"You can come and stay with me," Gerard croaked.

"That sounds perfect," I said, voice becoming higher. I put my head on Gerard's shoulder and began to sob, my whole body shaking. Gerard wrapped his arms around me and swayed a little, stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head.

"It's all going to be okay, Frankie. I promise. Everything is going to be fine."

.

Eventually I stopped shaking and was just sniffing into Gerard's chest. I could sense that is was time for him to leave by how tight he was gripping me.

"Are you going to stay here, Frankie? You don't want to go out there and cry in front of everyone, right?" I nodded. He put his finger under my chin and kissed me softly. "I love you, Frankie. I really do… and I-I've never said that to anyone before," he stammered. My eyes welled up again and I let out a shaky laugh. "What?" Gerard asked, furrowing his brow.

"No one's ever said that to me," I breathed, further tears trickling down my cheeks. "I love you too Gerard… with all of my heart." At that point, Alex walked in and looked at us both crying.

"Well, this is a gloomy party," she said, her voice less cheery than usual. "C'mere Gerard," she said, drawing him into a hug. "I'm going to miss you a lot."

"I'll miss you too, Alex. Take care of Frankie, will you?"

"Hey!" I scoffed indignantly. " I don't need taking care of."

"Oh, I think you do," Alex said, and Gerard nodded in agreement.

"Well… I'm leaving now. I love you guys so much, we'll have to all meet up when we're all out of this place. I'll see you soon," Gerard said before picking up his bags and walking out of the room.

.

I broke down immediately, sitting on the edge of my bed heavily and sobbing into my hands. Alex sat next to me and put her arm around me.

"Frankie, it's all going to be okay," Alex said soothingly. "Listen to me, Frank. Gerard and I were talking and we both think that this is going to give you a massive push on the road to recovery – the faster you recover, the sooner you can get out and be with Gerard." My flow of tears slowed. "I know this is probably not the time to tell you this but I'm going to be discharged soon as well, but hopefully you will have made a lot of progress by then. Do you understand, Frankie?" she asked me. I wiped away my tears and looked at her.

"From now on I'm going to try so hard to get better. I want to be with Gerard, and then we can all go out to theme parks and take photos for you to put on your wall at him. I want everything to be perfect when I get out of here, and that's what is going to happen." I said confidently. Alex smiled at me and nodded, pulling me into another hug.

.

The night was hard. My room seemed so much bigger and colder with only one person in it. I switched our blankets before they took Gerard's bedding away to be washed, and so I went to sleep with the soft smell of Gerard encasing me. When I awoke, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that I had not had a nightmare, despite the events of the previous day. I got dressed and sat on my own in the dining room, glancing over at Alex every now and again to make myself feel slightly less alone. Everything was a lot duller without Gerard. There was no "hey, guess what I dreamt about last night", no morning kisses, no discrete contact under the table… nothing to make me smile. However, I still tried to remain positive. I even made the effort to go to relaxation therapy, but I walked out not long into the session because the room made me angry. I remembered how beautiful Gerard thought it was and how he had marvelled at it…. it made my heart flutter a little.

.

That evening, the minute I got my mobile phone, I sent Gerard a text telling him how much I missed him. I waited and waited for a reply for what seemed like a year, but it had in fact only been half an hour when the phone flashed.

"_Sorry, sweetheart, I was painting. How are you doing? Is Alex looking after you? When are you next on leave? – Gee xox"_

I smiled to myself, quickly typing back a response.

"_Painting what? And I'm okay, I suppose. I didn't have any nightmares though so yay for that. Alex is looking after me very well… she keeps asking how I am haha. I'm on leave the day after tomorrow, why? xox"_

I was going to see my grandma on leave, but that wouldn't take the whole day. She was looking worse and worse every time I saw her, and it was almost painful to stay in a room with her. Mum kept saying that she wouldn't be with us much longer, but grandma always remained cheerful and insisted on 'next times' every time we visited. She was in hospital now, so things must have been getting bad, but I believed in my grandma's strength – she was the strongest person I knew and if she couldn't get better, no one could!

"_Come to my apartment? I want to show you something. Are you seeing your grandma? What time could you come? xox"_

"_Phones are being collected. I could come around 1pm if that's okay? I love you, Gee. Goodnight xox"_

I handed my phone in and sloped off to my room to sulk and wallow in my own self-pity. I was so sick of this place.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>AN**_ - Only 3 or 4 chapters left, guys. Will you be sad it's ending? Let me know in the reviews and I hope you're enjoying it as much as I'm enjoying writing it. I love every one of you that reads this - means a lot - Emily xox


	15. Chapter 15

"We need to plan this out properly," I said to Alex. Gerard hadn't been gone long and I was already impatient to see him. "We're going to that theme park that you went to with Ebony the other week, yeah?"

"Yes. It's absolutely amazing," she replied, writing it at the top of the piece of paper. We were sat in my room with my phone on loud speaker, Gerard on the line. "We need to think of a date so that Frank and I can try and get leave on the same day. What day is best for you, Gerard?"

"I don't do anything except paint and watch TV, so I can literally do any day," Gerard said. I could hear him messing about in the kitchen, probably cooking food. "You guys sort that out amongst yourselves. What's the plan then for when you do get leave?"

"Well," I started. "Alex's mum and my mum are going to come and pick us up and drive us down to your apartment. Then Alex's mum is taking us to the theme park but my mum is going to bring us back."

"Can we do this tomorrow?" Gerard asked.

"No, because I don't have leave tomorrow. I'm in a meeting about my discharge," Alex responded, writing everything we had just said down on the paper.

"Are you still coming to see me, Frank?"

"Of course, Gee. I'm going to the hospital in the morning to see my grandma and then mum's dropping me off at yours some point in the afternoon." I had been looking forward to this all day. "Our phones are being collected in a minute though; I can hear someone coming down the corridor so we have to go."

"Okay. Bye Alex!"

"Bye Gerard!"

"I love you, Frankie."

"I love you too, Gee. I'll see you tomorrow," I said before hanging up the phone.

.

"You two are cute together," Alex said once we had handed out phones in. I blushed and smiled at the ground.

"Shush, Alex. I miss him a lot, but it's not as hard as I thought it would be. I feel like I'm making progress again because, like you said, I want to be out of here." I paused. "So, anyway, what date shall we set this day out for?"

"A week on Monday? That gives our parents time to ring in separately and it won't look too suspicious that we're requesting leave on the same day."

"Good Idea. This is actually going to be awesome. I can't wait!" I leaned over and hugged Alex super tight.

"Neither can I!" she squealed, hugging me back.

.

My medication seemed to be working. I had only been on it a matter of days but it was already easier for me to sleep and easier for me to get through the day without wanting to kill myself. Maybe it was just the act of taking medication, but whatever it was, I was grateful for it. I had said when I first came to Orchard House that I wanted to stop feeling so sad all the time, and that was happening. My sessions with Chloe were productive and I had even managed to speak about my father on a few occasions. Cassie had been discharged and so Alex was also now in a room on her own, but that wouldn't be for long as we were expecting a new female resident – voluntary, not sectioned. There was a lot of talk about Alex being discharged, but no set date yet. And unlike before I was genuinely happy for her. I understood now how much it meant to be able to see family, and I would give anything to spend every day with my grandma.

.

The next day rolled around and I woke up bright and early, excited to be seeing two of the most important people in my life. As always, I got ready quickly and then sat in the lounge, staring out the window and waiting for my mum's car to pull up. I jumped up the minute I saw her car pull into the car park.

"Mum's here," I said to Alex. "I'll see you later."

"Use protection!" she shouted after me as I rushed towards the reception. I turned around, stuck my middle finger up at her, smiled and blew her a kiss. She pretended to catch it and put it in her pocket and winked – it was pretty cute. My mum was already talking to the receptionist when I got to her.

"Hey, mum!" I said excitedly. She looked at my astonished by my cheerfulness.

"Goodness, Frankie, you seem rather happy. Hello to you too! Can I take him not, Janet?" she asked the receptionist.

"Of course! Let me just sign him out," she wrote my name down and made me sign next to it, and I was free to go. "I'll see you later Frank."

"Bye, Janet!" I said, bouncing out of the room.

.

"Are we going straight to the hospital to see grandma, mum?" I asked, strapping myself into the car.

"Yes. Have you got Gerard's address for afterwards?" she asked me. I took my phone out of my pocket and shook it at her.

"All saved in here. Let's go!" I exclaimed. My mum shook her head at me whilst smiling and pulled out of the car park, driving in the direction of the hospital.

.

I was shaking a little when we pulled into the hospital car park. I didn't know what to expect at all. My mum switched the engine off and turned to look at me.

"I came to see your grandma yesterday and she looks very… very ill, Frankie. I don't want you to get upset when you see her. She's still sharp as a pin and the same person as ever, but she is not looking well. I'll tell you now, they have not given her long to live… so whenever I bring you to see her, make sure you say goodbye properly because it may be the last time. Okay, Frankie?" I nodded silently and got out the car, shoving my hands in my pockets and feeling like crying already. I hated the hospital. The last time I was here was for my suicide attempt. I remember the ambulance driving me in and I remember all the needles in my arm and lights in my eyes… it was horrible. I shook these thoughts from my head and followed my mum into the cold building.

.

"Hey, mum… I've brought someone to see you," my mum said as we entered my grandma's room.

"Frankie? Have you brought Frankie?" he voice sounded weaker than I had ever heard it. My mum moved out of the way and I saw my grandma lying in the hospital bed. She was a mere fraction of the woman she had been… she had lost so much weight she was almost skeletal. Her hair was so thin and she looked tired – she looked like she hadn't slept in weeks.

"Hey, grandma," I mumbled, trying to fix a smile to my lips. Her face lit up and she gestured for me to come over. I put my hand in hers and leaned down so she could give me a kiss on the cheek. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing absolutely fine, Frankie. How is it in the hospital? Have you still got those two friends?"

"Alex is still in the hospital, yes, but Gerard got discharged the other day. I'm going to visit him after we have finished here," I replied.

"So he got better?" I nodded, smiling at how untrue that was. "That's good then, Frankie. If he can do it, then you definitely can."

"Gerard is a lot stronger than me… but yeah, I hope I can be like him too."

.

My grandma and I talked for a couple of hours, with my mum sat in the corner not joining in very much. However, I appreciated the time with my grandma. Eventually, it was time to leave and I stood up but my grandma grabbed my hand and pulled me forward so she could whisper in my ear.

"I don't know how you feel about this Gerard boy, but it's obvious that he means a lot to you. Do you love him?" I stayed silent, but went a little red. "I know what love looks like… and I know what love feels like. You remember your grandfather, right, Frankie?" I nodded. "I loved him very much, and when you talk about Gerard, I see your grandfather in you. I see how he used to talk about me. So cherish this Gerard boy… he sounds like he will be the best thing in your life, and you can't afford to lose him. Promise me you won't lose him, Frankie."

"I promise, grandma, but he's not the only best thing in my life – you are too… and I'm not going to lose you either, grandma. I love you," I said, getting a little choked up.

"I love you too, Frankie. I hope that next time I see you, you will be well recovered."

"The same goes for you," I replied. I gave my grandma a kiss on the cheek and I left the room, smiling back at her over my shoulder as I left.

"What did she say to you, Frankie?" my mum asked as we were walking back out to the car.

"Just that she loves me and that I remind her of grandpa," I responded, smiling inwardly.

"That's sweet," she said, before unlocking the car door and climbing inside.

.

It took us forever to find Gerard's apartment, but when we finally pulled outside a tall, grey building I couldn't believe Gerard lived _here._ It was far too dull for Gerard.

"Frankie, I'm going to go and do some shopping in the area and I'm going to come and pick you up in a few hours. Just give me a call if you want picking up any earlier." She reached over and gave me a kiss on the cheek, leaving behind some of her lipstick. I rubbed at my cheek indignantly.

"Mum!" I whined. "Don't do that!" she sighed. "Right, I'll see you later," she said before she drove off and left me stood outside the dull building alone. I realised that I didn't know which button I should press for him to buzz me in. I pulled out my phone and called him.

"Hey, Frankie, when are you going to get here?" Gerard gushed when he answered.

"I'm stood outside now," I answered. "You want to come and let me in?" Gerard shrieked 'yes!' down the phone before cutting me off. I wasn't waiting long before a bundle of black came hurtling towards me through the door, almost knocking me into the road.

"I missed you," Gerard shouted into my shoulder. I pulled him off me and looked at him – he was crying a little.

"Why are you crying?!" I giggled. Gerard smiled back at me, showing all his tiny teeth.

"I'm just so happy you're here!" he said, before grabbing my hand and tugging me into the building.

.

Gerard turned his key in the lock of the door to his apartment and pushed it open, gesturing for me to go inside. His apartment was small, but it was exactly what he had said – it was all decorated in his taste. The colours were all dark but everything matched – all reds, blacks and silvers.

"Gerard, it's so nice in here," I gasped, marvelling at all the horror film themed paraphernalia.

"Let me show you my bedroom!" Gerard gushed, grabbing my hand again.

"That sounded like an invitation," I said, in what I hoped was a seductive voice.

"If you play your cards right, it just may well be," Gerard replied. I giggled again as he lead me into his bedroom. It was beautiful. Gerard had painted it like the relaxation therapy room, but this seemed more intricate… even more beautiful. "The first time we really connected was when we smiled at each other when you showed me that room… this is my way of keeping a little piece of you with me all the time. It's not quite finished yet… I haven't put the stars in but the planets are done. I've basically been painting twenty four hours a day because I wanted it finished before you came to visi-" I cut him off by pressing my lips to his and pulling his body right up to mine.

.

I pushed Gerard down on the bed and kneeled on it, legs either side of him. I crawled up the bed until my head was above his, where I kissed him again. Trailing my hand down his chest, I savoured every second of contact, remembering what my grandma had said to me.

"I love you," I breathed into his ear before moving my lips down to his neck and sucking on the patch of skin where his neck met his shoulder. Gerard moaned loud and his hips bucked upwards, but not quite high enough to touch me.

"I love you too, Frankie. Do you remember last time we did something like this, and you had to have a pillow over your mouth?" I laughed into the crook of his neck and nodded. "Well we don't have that problem here."

.

I broke away, satisfied with the deep red patch of skin, and pulled my shirt off. Gerard took this as a cue to remove his own. I kissed Gerard again passionately, letting my hand work its way down to Gerard's crotch. I fumbled with his bat shaped belt buckle before finally getting it undone.

"Is this okay?" I asked, climbing off Gerard so he could remove his jeans and boxers with ease – I removed mine at the same time.

"Frank its fine," he said before pulling me back onto him by my hips. After a little more kissing I moved my lips away from his and started moving downwards, leaving a trail of kisses down to his crotch. I didn't mess around teasing, because I could see that he was already painfully hard – I just took him in my mouth and smiled as he moaned almost as loud as I had. I moved up and down, running my tongue over the underside of his dick all the way up to the slit. Gerard's hands found their way into my hair, tugging a little and trying to restrain from thrusting up into my throat. Just the act of sucking Gerard's cock was turning me on to a crazy level.

.

"I want you to fuck me," Gerard said, lifting my head away from his dick. I stared at him blankly for a moment. "Have you ever fucked anyone before, Frankie?" I shook my head slowly. "I'll be your first time… that's if you want me to be."

"I do… I desperately do," I croaked. "Have you done it before?" I asked, already guessing the answer.

"A lot in the past, but not recently. So I'm going to need some prepping – do you know how to do that, Frankie?"

"I have an idea about it… but…."

"You don't want to hurt me?" he asked, guessing my concerns. I nodded. "Sweetie… that's part of the pleasure." he said with a sexy half-smile before reaching into the draw next to his bed for a condom and come lube. He tore the condom open with his mouth in a seemingly practiced way, and then threw it to me; I put the condom on before he passed me the lube. "Lube up your fingers, Frankie, and I'll help you prep me."

.

I coated my fingers in the thick substance before offering my hand to Gerard. I felt kind of stupid and useless, but Gerard's warm smile soothed my nerves. Gerard took my index finger and positioned it at his entrance.

"You ready?" he asked. I nodded and with very little problem, he pushed my finger inside him. I felt his muscles tense and relax around me a little, but his face stayed the same. Gerard encouraged me to move my finger in and out a little. "Okay, now two fingers. You're gonna stretch my with these by scissoring them inside me, okay? It's gonna twinge a little, but don't worry. I'll let you know if you're seriously hurting me." I pushed my second finger in and there was, once again, little resistance.

"You ready?" I asked, seriously not wanting to hurt him.

"I've been ready for weeks," he breathed. He held his breath as I stretched my fingers. I curled them upwards and he yelped. I froze inside him.

"Oh my gosh, Gee, I'm really sorry."

"Don't stop!" he gasped. "Do it again!" I complied and Gerard let out a loud, long groan. "Okay, okay please… just fuck me now…" Gerard's speech was all broken up – he was so wound up.

.

I positioned myself at his entrance and slowly pushed in. Gerard's hands were immediately on my back pushing me in even faster. I allowed him to get used to me being inside him before beginning to move again. I thrust in and out, savouring every tiny noise Gerard made, especially when I found his spot again. The whole experience was surreal, almost too much to cope with. I kept my eyes on Gerard's face – there was no way I was going to miss seeing his face when he climaxed. I could tell he was close when one of his hands moved from my back to his dick, stroking himself off in rhythm with my thrusts as if he couldn't get enough friction. His moans mixed with mine and they got louder and louder until he threw his head back, exposing his neck, and came all over our stomachs. I came literally seconds later, the sight of Gerard's face as he came was too much for me to take. I came inside Gerard, shaking and struggling to support myself, dropping to my elbows.

.

"That was... out of this world," I said, cuddling into Gerard's side.

"Fucking under the planets… I wish the stars had been up there so we could fuck underneath the stars," Gerard said, putting his arm around me.

"Gerard it was perfect, okay? Nothing could have made this any better. I'm going to keep this moment with me all of my life and I will never forget it. I'm going to use this as my motivation to get better… the fact that when I get better we can do this all the time."

"And if that's going to get you here beside me quicker, Frankie, I want you to do that," Gerard said, kissing the top of my head.

.

We lay together in the bed and cuddled and talked for what seemed like hours, until we were interrupted by my phone ringing. It was my mum, saying she was outside in the car waiting for me. I tried to beg her to let me stay a little longer, but she was insistent that we had to go back to Orchard House. Gerard and I both got dressed and exchanged a fond farewell. He walked me down stairs holding hands and gave me a kiss before I left.

"I'll see you soon, Gee," I said, looking at my mum in the car who seemed very impatient.

"Yeah, Frankie. Just remember I love you, okay?" He said, looking a little distracted. I was confused. I frowned a little.

"Okay… you remember I love you too."

"I always will," he said as I got into the car. I waved to him until mum had drove us completely out of sight of Gerard's apartment.

.

The car journey back was silent and uncomfortable. I wondered if my mother had worked out what was going on with Gerard and I and if she was upset.

"Are you okay, mum? Why are we in such a rush?"

"We have a meeting back at Orchard House when you get back," she said in a flat tone of voice. That instantly made me panic. What had I done wrong?

"What about?" I asked in a nervous tone.

"I think it will be better if we don't discuss this any further until we get there. It's a pretty important thing," she replied, not taking her eyes of the road. I slunk back into me seat and folded my arms across my stomach in an attempt to stop myself from throwing up.

.

When we pulled into the hospital car park I saw that Molly and Chloe were both stood in the reception area and I assumed that they were waiting for me. My mother and I both got out of the car silently and entered the building.

"Good afternoon, Frank," Chloe said in a sombre tone. I smiled falsely at her.

"Have you told him yet, Mrs Iero," Molly asked. My mother shook her head. "Well we're going to go into the visitor's room as it is the only room that isn't in use at the moment. If you would like to follow me." We were lead to the visitor's room and I was once again greeted by the bright colours of the walls – this was the first room in Orchard House that I ever saw.

.

"Frank, I'm very sorry to inform you that we have some rather distressing news for you, and there is going to be no easy way to tell you this. We've brought you in here so you will have time to think about it and there will be someone on hand immediately for you to talk to. We are very sorry to inform you that your grandma passed away earlier this afternoon. We are very sorry for your loss, Frank, and yours Mrs Iero."

The room went silent, and no one had anything to say. My world had just been destroyed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN **Sad, right? Let me know how you felt when reading this. Two updates within 48 hours? That shit's crazy ;D Not going to be an update for around a week though, unless I get it finished sooner. 3 more chapters I think, I hope you're enjoying it as much as I enjoy writing it! Don't forget to review - Emily xox


	16. Chapter 16

"Frank?"? I heard Molly say through the ringing in my ears. I tried to open my mouth and tell her how I was feeling but I couldn't quite move my lips. I just stared straight ahead, frozen to the spot. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't speak. The sound of my mother crying began to filter into my ears, breaking down the barrier that was rendering me motionless. "Frank, do you understand what I have said?" I managed to nod my head very slowly.

"Excuse me," I heard my mother say, wiping her eyes, taking a deep breath and walking out of the room.

"Mum…" I croaked, but she didn't turn around.

"Frank, I know this is a ridiculous question, but are you okay?" I thought about that question. It hurt like hell to know that I would never again speak to my grandma, but at the same time it wasn't affecting me in the way I thought it would. I had imagined myself having a breakdown, crying and screaming and lashing out at other people. Instead, I felt numb. I wasn't sure whether this was better than the pure sadness I expected or not, but either way it was not a pleasant sensation.

"I'm fine… I just need to speak to Gerard," I managed to say.

"Frank, Gerard isn't here anymore and you know we don't promote contact with previous patients," Chloe said calmly.

"I don't care. I need to speak to Gerard," I spat, the anger highly evident in my voice.

"Calm down Frank," Molly said sternly.

"Frank you can speak to him when you get your mobile later, provided you have his number," Chloe added. Molly looked at her disapprovingly but Chloe ignored it. "Frank, are you feeling a little calmer?" My head was whirring with thoughts and a plan began to formulate.

"Yes, I suppose. Could I please be alone for a few minutes?" I whispered.

"Of course, Frank, we'll leave you in here. We will be right outside the door if you need us."

"Thank you," I mumbled as they left the room, standing up to pace.

.

I was alone with my thoughts. My grandma was dead. What she had said to me about Gerard being the best thing in my life was completely true now considering I had lost the person who had the other half of my heart. I needed Gerard right then and there; I needed him to hug me and kiss me and tell me everything would be okay. Thoughts began to consume me of how to get to Gerard… how to get out of this place. I remembered someone saying to me something about fire alarms and how it triggered all of the fire exits to open, but if I did that now I was bound to be caught. I would have to wait. I would have to wait until there was so much chaos, that me slipping away would go practically unnoticed…. but I didn't know how to do that. Suddenly, I felt like my chest had collapsed and I flopped back into my chair. Tears started falling down my face, fast and with no sign of stopping – the news had just fully hit me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop the tears from coming. My mother came back into the room and saw me crying. She walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me, stroking my back and kissing my forehead.

"We're going to be okay, alright, Frankie?" she said to me.

"Yes, mum. It's going to be fine," I responded uncertainly.

"No matter what happens, we'll still have each other, Frankie. We knew this was going to happen at some point but at least it's over now. At least your grandma isn't suffering anymore. She's free, Frankie… and we should be glad about that." I sniffled a little, but nodded into her shoulder. I wished it was all that simple.

.

After about an hour, my mother had to go and contact the rest of the family and so I had a one-to-one session with Chloe. We spoke about what had happened and I cried a little more, but after another hour I was a lot more stable and so was allowed back into the lounge. The minute Alex saw me she jumped up with a huge grin on her face, which quickly vanished when she saw the expression on mine.

"Frankie, what's wrong?" she asked.

"My grandma died," I replied shortly. Alex looked at me with sympathetic eyes.

"Frank I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"I don't know," I answered. "I need my phone. I need to talk to Gerard."

"Well phones have already been handed out, so if you go and ask James he will give you yours." I mumbled a quick thank you and headed over to get my phone.

.

I texted Gerard three times and didn't receive a reply, so I assumed he was busy painting. I wasn't angry, because Gerard had no idea what had happened, but I was kind of upset.

"So what did you do today with Gerard?" Alex asked. A half smile flashed across my lips.

"Oh… my… god…. did you…?" Alex asked, widening her eyes. I nodded. Alex let out a high pitched squeak. "Oh my gosh Frankie! That's _crazy._ I'm so happy for you guys. So the first half of your day was good then?" I nodded again. "Well I'm happy about that."

"Yeah, Gerard's flat is beautiful… I'll tell you about it some other time. I have to go and try and call Gerard so I'm going back to my room. I'll talk to you later," I murmured, standing up and heading back to my room.

"Okay, Frank. I can't wait to hear about it!" Alex called after me as I left the room, but I didn't react.

.

I tried to call Gerard 5 times, but every time it just went to his ridiculous voice mail. I couldn't stand it any longer – I needed to speak to Gerard. I decided that I was going to do it… I was going to run away. I strode out of the room and poked my head around the door to the lounge, motioning for Alex to come outside.

"Did you get hold of Gerard?" she asked.

"No. I need to go and find him. Alex, I'm getting out of here." Alex just stared at me. "I am going to set off the fire alarm in the dining room, because no one will be in there, and then I am going to run away and I'm going to find Gerard. I'm telling you because I don't want you to worry about me. I'm going to go straight to Gerard's and ask if I can stay there tonight…. and he's hardly going to say no. Please… just promise me you won't tell them where I am," I said, grabbing Alex's hand. She clutched my hand tightly.

"I promise. But you have to promise me that you will text me when you get there and you will let me know that you are okay. Take your phone with you, and I'll hide my phone in the chaos that will definitely come from the alarm going off… and just remember that I love you, okay?"

"Okay," I replied.

"Wait here one second," Alex said, sprinting down the corridor towards her room. She returned seconds later and thrust something into my hand. "You need this money to get a bus, otherwise you will get caught. Get the first bus that you see that takes you anywhere near Gerard's and just don't stop moving until you get there."

"Thank you Alex," I said, eyes welling up at her generosity. "I'm going now. Just try and kick up a fuss in the lounge to keep the staff busy." Alex nodded and gave me a hug before returning to the lounge.

.

I walked into the dining room casually, and let out a breath when I saw that no one was in the room. Brushing my hand through my hair, I walked across to the small, red box on the wall and placed my finger on the glass which read 'break glass; press here.' I hesitated for a moment, thinking briefly about the consequences that would ensue if I was caught, but eventually pushed them out of my head and pressed down. I was surprised by the ease with which the glass broke, but I practically jumped out of my skin when the alarm went off. I piercing tone resounded through the building, accompanied by screams from the lounge. I felt bad – some of the people in here had some form of anxiety disorder and this would do them no good, but I had no time to dwell on that. I pushed the door open and shut it quietly, trying to make it less evident that I had left. I ran through the streets, feet pounding the ground. I ran through back streets and dark parks, looking at every bus stop and checking the timetable, seeing if there was a bus that would take to me Gerard's area.

.

After about half an hour of searching, I found a bus stop that would take me to Gerard's, but the next bus was 15 minutes away. I remembered what Alex had said about keeping moving, and so I returned back to the park just behind the bus stop. I checked my phone and saw that I had a message. My heart jumped, hoping it was from Gerard, but it was just Alex.

'_You caused quite a stir, Frankie. Sylvia is in the LSU again, but everyone is fine now. Text me and let me know you're okay. I love you. Stay safe – Alex xox'_

I smiled at the phone and sent a text back, telling her I was fine and I was about to catch the bus. I left the park and walked back up to the bus stop to see the bus would arrive in 2 minutes, but in fact I could already see it coming down the street. I stepped on the bus and told the driver where I was off to.

"You look like you've run a marathon, son," the bus driver said to me. I flashed him a smile.

"I'm going to be late home and my mum will worry," I lied.

"I'll try and get you home as quick as possible," the driver said. I smiled, thanked him and took a seat on the bus.

.

I was nervous the whole way to Gerard's, rubbing my hands and biting my lip, but at least the whole ordeal had taken my mind of my grandma's passing. I was looking forward to seeing Gerard again because I knew just being with him would make everything better, even if it was just temporary. I was daydreaming when I realised we were right near Gerard's apartment and so I quickly pressed the button on the bar in front of me and walked down to the front of the bus.

"Thank you," I said as I stepped off the bus.

"It's pretty dark now, make sure you get home in one piece, kid," the bus driver said to me.

"I'll try," I replied.

"Stay safe!" he said as the bus doors closed behind me, and I smiled to myself. Some people in this world were so nice.

.

I only had to cross the road and I was outside the large building. I tried to call Gerard again but there was still no answer and so I tried the buzzer – still nothing. I looked up and saw that the lights were on in his building and so I knew he was in, but then again, I knew how absorbed he could get in his work. I wasn't sure what to do.

"Hi there, you wanting to get into the building?" came a voice from behind me. I practically jumped out of my skin for the second time that day.

"Erm, yes," I responded. The guy was tall and dressed smartly in a suit and tie.

"No one answering the door?" I nodded. "Who are you looking for?"

"Gerard. Gerard Way," I answered.

"Oh, Gerard lives above me and my family. Are you his friend?"

"His best friend," I answered, a smile playing across my lips.

"I'll let you in, I'm sure he'll be glad to see you. He's a lovely boy. I'll just buzz up to my wife to get the door open because I forgot my key." He spoke to his wife through the speaker and we were allowed into the building.

"Thank you," I said.

"That's alright. Say hi to Gerard for me," he said. I nodded and started to climb the stairs


	17. Chapter 17

Gerard's apartment was on the third floor, and after 3 flights of stairs I was pretty tired – I had got seriously unfit from staying in hospital… not that I was a weight lifter before. I knocked on the door quite loudly, but I could hear music playing inside the room through the door and so I assumed he couldn't hear me. I pulled out my phone again and tried to call Gerard again, with the same result – answer phone. After knocking again and failing to get a response, I tried the door handle and was surprised to find the door open. I smiled a little to myself at how irresponsible Gerard was and stepped into the flat, closing the door behind me.

.

"Gee!" I shouted out, standing by the living room door. I could see his CD player in the corner of the living room and I could hear the music blaring out of it. I walked over to it and pressed pause, cutting off the screeching guitars and growling vocals. "Gerard?" I shouted out again, beginning to worry. Maybe he wasn't in… maybe he had gone out to get some shopping or something. I wandered into the kitchen and found that his fridge was practically empty, and there was an empty milk carton on the work top. I sighed, if he had gone out to the shop without locking the door then he was going to get yelled at when he got back… anyone could have walked in here!

.

I sat down on Gerard's sofa in his living room and turned the television on, flicking through the channels and trying to find something… anything worth watching. I settled on a channel that was showing a program about tattoos, but I couldn't concentrate. Something felt wrong… I just couldn't quite place my finger on it. I stood up and went over to Gerard's bedroom, peeking my head around the door to make sure he wasn't asleep or anything like that, but the room was empty. I closed his bedroom door behind me and turned on the lamp next to Gerard's bed, astounded by the sight that met me. Gerard had finished painting his room and it looked amazing. I traced my hands over the wall, feeling all the bumps and ridges of each brush stroke that had graced the walls. He had finished putting the stars in place and I looked up, tilting my head right back. I recognised most of the constellations and was amazed by the amount of detail on the ceiling. Each star had a splash of glitter on it which reflected the light from the lamp, throwing the light around the room. I smiled to myself, knowing this was all for me.

.

I absentmindedly walked into the bathroom which was connected to Gerard's bedroom and stood frozen to the spot by the sight that greeted me. I stumbled backwards, surveying the scene which seemed to be one of a horror movie. In front of me lay the crumpled body of a young boy, just over 16, with long, black hair and pale skin. He looked like Gerard…. but it just couldn't _be_ Gerard… there was no way it could be…. no way on this earth. There was blood everywhere, on the boy's face, on his clothes, on the floor around him, but it wasn't fresh. The blood had begun to dry; patches of it were already a deep, dark red, not the bright colour of fresh-flowing blood. My breathing quickened as I moved a little closer, bending down and eventually collapsing onto my knees. Tears began falling from my eyes, dropping onto the floor and mixing with the blood of the boy.

.

"Gerard," I croaked, still half refusing to accept that it was him. "Gerard, it's Frank." I tilted my head back and the tears ran off the side of my face. "Gerard, please wake up," I squeaked, placing my hand on his – it was stone cold. "Gerard please… please don't be dead… _please_." I whispered, my breath coming out in short, sharp bursts. "Gerard," I said more urgently. "Gerard you can't be dead. Gerard you just can't. Please. You're not gone. You're not. This is crazy. Gerard, please talk to me." I took his head in my hands and looked at his face– there was no sign of life whatsoever. My finger brushed against his neck, checking in hope for even a faint pulse… some sign that he could hear me… there was nothing. I dropped my head onto his motionless chest and began to sob. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream; the only noises I could make were whines and moans, that were muffled into his still heart.

.

"We were meant to do so much," I whispered. "We had so many plans. I was going to move in. We were going to live together. We were going to go out with Alex. We were going to do so much and now…. now there is nothing. There is nothing at all on this earth to live for." I lifted up my head and stared at Gerard's lifeless body. I just sat, and stared and cried for god knows how long before the tears just wouldn't come any more. I stood up and felt the rage building up inside me. "Why have you left me, Gerard?" I said quietly, clenching my fists. "I have nothing. I have nothing left. Nothing at all." I punched the mirror above the sink, not even feeling the pain from the cuts it left on my knuckles. I was about to leave the room when I saw the crumpled piece of paper in Gerard's hand. I leaned down and picked it up, placing a kiss on Gerard's forehead before standing back up. "I still love you… and I will love you forever…. I-" My throat closed up and I couldn't talk anymore, so I backed out of the room and closed the door on the horrors that lay in the bathroom.

.

I sat on Gerard's bed and smoothed the paper out on my lap. I took a deep breath before I started reading and stared at the paper. The writing was so neat and intricate – I could see easily that he had put a lot of time into this and even the creases and folds in the paper couldn't ruin the beauty of the words that I read.

_My dearest Frank,_

_ I hope that you are the one to find me and I hope that you are the first to read this note…. or at least I hope that it reaches you. There is very little I can say, and nothing I can say to make this situation any better, but I know that you of all people will understand this better than anyone. Maybe I'll still be breathing when you find me, but please don't try and save me. I am not worth the effort. I know you were expecting a lot from me… I know we planned to spend the future together but sadly that is not possible. This note is not just my goodbye to you, it is also my apology. I understand that it must be hard to read this and know that I am never coming back, but just remember that the sorrow, pain and anguish deep inside me that tore me to pieces every day is also never coming back, and that wherever I am right now is probably a good place for me. I will never stop loving you, Frankie, and if heaven really exists then I'll be telling everyone about how much of a good guy you are, and I'll be declaring my love every day. Even though I am physically gone, I will always be with you. You will always have a piece of me with you because you have my heart, and I have nothing more valuable than that to give you. I beg of you not to do anything stupid, Frankie. I hope that we will meet again in the future, but please don't make it too soon… I can wait._

_Please stay safe, my love_

_Gerard x_

_._

I clutched the letter to my chest and wiped away the tears that were falling down my face. He was right, nothing could make this situation any better.


	18. Chapter 18

I sat motionless on the bed, clutching the paper tighter and tighter in my hands. I could feel the paper creasing and tearing, but I couldn't release my grip. I had lost everything… and even though I knew I still had Alex and my mother, I couldn't shift the feeling of the gaping hole inside me - a hole that begged to be filled. I suddenly drew in a breath, not having realised that I had not been breathing. I couldn't cry, I couldn't shout, I couldn't break down… I couldn't do anything. It felt as if my soul had been torn out of my body, lost forever. The apartment was eerily silent, not even the ticking sound of a clock or the buzz of an appliance on standby. Simply nothing, and yet it was all still too loud for me. I slowly stood up and placed my hand on the bathroom door, drawing in a deep breath before I twisted by wrist and opened it. Still no tears came when I looked down at Gerard's body again. Once again, I knelt down next to the lifeless corpse and took his hand in mine, placing his note back inside his half clenched fist.

"I love you, Gee, and I'm sorry," I whispered before standing up quickly and leaving the room for the last time.

.

Upon entering Gerard's living room, I headed straight for his desk where I knew he kept all of his art materials and paper. I grabbed a pale blue piece of paper to match the note he left me and picked up one of Gerard's expensive fountain pens. It felt heavy in my hand and when I touched the nip to the paper the ink bled into it, spreading and coating the tiny fibres of the paper. I scribbled a little, wasting the piece of paper, and once I was used to the writing implement I picked up another sheet and began to write.

.

"_Dear everyone,_

_I would address this to Gerard, but as you have probably already seen, that is no longer possible. I don't know what to say to you because there isn't really anything to say – the world has ended for me. I understand that this is a selfish action of mine that will have an effect on quite a few people, but I ask in return for you to understand that by myself being constantly unhappy if I lived, I would make all of you unhappy for a lot longer. However, I now know how important closure is and so let this letter be my goodbye._

_ To my mother, I would like to say a simple sorry. I know that it isn't much and I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but there is nothing much more I can do. I was dead long before this happened, and the only thing that brought me back to life was Gerard showing up. Now that has gone and I have nothing left. I love you so much, but this is going to have to be a goodbye. I hope that you can understand even a little how I feel and I hope that you take this and it makes you stronger – you're a successful woman who has such a future still._

_ To Alex, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. You welcomed me with open arms on one of the most difficult days of my life, and ever since then you have stood by me through thick and thin. I hope you get better real soon and you can take your sister to do all the things that you planned to do with Gerard and I – you can remember us and all the good times._

_ My only regret will be that I have let my grandmother down, but at least I can go and join her. I'll tell her how much you love her, mom, and we can smile down on you. Gerard and I can live up amongst the stars, just like the day we met… we can look down upon all of you and watch over you and we will never stop loving you._

_ This is all I can say now, but just remember, that my love for you all is infinite… never ever forget it._

_Frankie xox_

_._

By the time I had finished writing, tears were falling from my eyes with no sign of stopping. I looked down at the paper and the shaky writing and folded the sheet in half, standing up from the desk. I paced around the living room for a while before looking at the clock on the desk to see how long I had been at Gerard's – two hours. The police or the hospital or my mother would be searching for me, and it wouldn't take long until they realised that I would be here – it was hardly the least obvious place for me to be – so I knew I had to be quick. I walked into the kitchen and opened all of the doors until I found the cutlery draw but I knew that bleeding out was a risky was to go – it would take too long to die and there was a possibility I would be taken to hospital before that happened… I knew this from experience.

.

Instead I walked over to Gerard's balcony and looked out onto the dark street, the streetlights casting daunting shadows all the way down the road. I took a deep breath of the clean, cool, night air and decided that this was it. I was three storeys up and I knew that it was high enough to do some serious damage and there was a high possibility of death. I tucked my letter into my pocket and climbed up onto the railing, holding onto the corner of the building to steady myself. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through my contacts, deciding who would hear my last spoken words – I settled on Alex. The phone had barely rung once before Alex picked up.

"Frankie? Are you okay? Are you at Gerard's?" She said frantically.

"Gerard is dead," I replied quietly. There was silence on the end of the phone for a moment.

"Frank, are you okay?" I didn't reply. "Frank I said are you okay?"

"Alex, I called to say goodbye."

"Don't you dare Frank… don't you fucking dare!" she shouted down the phone. I heard her shouting for a member of staff.

"Alex I'm sorry but there's nothing you can do. I'm really sorry but I'm going to go now," I whimpered, swaying a bit on the railing.

"Frank if you leave me I swear to god-"

.

I clicked the button to end the call and put the phone back into my pocket. I felt it start vibrating again almost immediately but I didn't even look at it. Instead, I looked up at the stars and smiled, finding comfort in the fact that this would be my last moment. I breathed in, filling my lungs one last time, and let go of the wall. I swayed in the air before forcing myself to lean back and leave the balcony. The last thing I saw before I hit the ground was the stars, and the last thing I thought of was my first kiss with Gerard before everything went black, and I fell into the nothingness. Everything was good again.


End file.
